So Zoe has been making great strides in walking around on her own. She has figured out how to pop up on her own without needing something to support her as she pulls herself to standing.
One thing we noticed though is that she isn’t saying the words she was saying as much…She won’t say Mama. She is reluctant to say Baba and is pretty much just saying DJAh over and over. Sure she babbles here and there. I am not really worried yet. I am thinking maybe she needs to focus on one thing at a time, and right now she is concentrating on walking and stabilization. She knows what things mean. She stops (sometimes) when we say no. She looks at the cats when we say Kitty.
Perhaps she is deciding on a language all of her own.
Does anyone else have experience with talking and then regressing? Am I perhaps jumping the gun?

I find scatterings and smatterings of the same ideas colliding around my consciousness. I get a magazine that has an article here…I get sent to a link that has a video there…and they are unrelated yet connected….and they are saying what streams across my mind when I walk down the stairs or I drive to work or I brush my teeth.

I think about faith and religion and souls and paths and where things will head and what it all means on a constant basis.
Sometimes I just have to shut it off because I AM NOT GOING TO GET THE ANSWER TODAY.
Its sort of like that Ani song ‘What if no ones watching’….it spooks me, and then I realize it doesn’t matter….
But then there are the days when I have a real crisis of doubt – the last time I wigged myself out I remember the homily at the next day in church seemed to speak to me directly – calming my fears.
And then I read this article by fellow Providence Associate, Brother Barry. It reminds me that my doubt is a blessing, that it increases my faith and keeps it on its toes.
And then I stumbled on this lecture by Richard Feynman (probably the most brilliant scientist ever – Nadie has a man crush on him)….
I think it is interesting that both a man of god and a man of science came to the same answer…living with doubt is better than having all the answers…and especially better than assuming incorrect answers….
signing off to watch further collisions…..

January 9th was the Zerker’s birthday.
We had a little party for her with all of our family and a few friends.

It was lovely.

I can’t believe its been a whole year. It seems like she was just an itty bitty baby yesterday, then again it is like she has always been here.
She has been getting really good at walking around. By her birthday she was doing the zombie walk for a few steps. Then she decided at her party that she was going to show off and walk across the room.
Of course, there is a video for this first amazing year….

I love my little girl.
She is braver every day. Climbing up chairs, falling off of beds, learning how to get down on her own. She had her yearly check up. She is growing right on schedule. She is napping every day. (I think that will change when she goes back to daycare.) She is drinking whole milk. She eats everything you give her, and of course trys to eat things you don’t give her. (She doesn’t understand that boardbooks are for literary consumption, NOT human consumption!!!)
She absolutely adores the dogs. She is amazed at the cats. She talks to them. Doodas and Kittehs. She pretends to read herself books. She got her first pair of Stride Rite shoes. She is finally being cooperative when we change her diapers. She loves toast.
It is hard to believe it can get any better than this….I am sure Charlie will have something to do with me eating those words….I am so blessed.

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Today is the last day of 2009.

This year has been full of wonder and awe. I don’t think I can do this year justice with a simple re-cap. I will begin working on the Zerker’s Year in Review next week, and I think that will be a better place to really look at all that has happened with the little girl. Yet, I will say that the first half of carrying Charlie have been cherished, even when the Zerker is bouncing on by belly, biting my arm, or pulling my hair. And I feel more connected to what I do for a living than ever before….All of these things are blessings.

I took the GRE this week. I actually didn’t do that bad for only practicing for a few hours the night before. I think I did well enough to get accepted.

Happy New Year to everyone out there!

Our big ultrasound was yesterday.
We are thankful that everything was measuring on time and healthy so far. Of course, nothing is ever completely secure until there is a healthy baby on the outside in May, but so far, so good…..

And the little parasite floating in my belly is sporting a twig and berries!
We are ecstatic.
For some reason, I just had this feeling that the little blobber was a boy. I always referred to him as a he, and I even told Nadie on the way to the US that I didn’t know how I would react if it was a girl – it just didn’t seem right to me.
So here is the little tyke:

We do have the name picked out, and you can guess from the title what the first name is. I will keep the middle name a secret for his birth. It has to do with a very amazing, saintly person.

I still feel huge. The other day at choir practice a woman asked me when I was due. I said May, and she was obviously confused…I think she was expecting February or March. The doc says that I am on schedule and there is nothing to worry about. It is funny to see people’s faces. I might post a belly pic, maybe, but I will just feel even huuuuger…..

In other news, I have to take the GRE next tuesday. I am not looking forward to it. I took it just out of college and did fine. Of course, now they expect it to be a more recent score. I am applying for a master’s program in the fall, and before you can say ‘Crazy!’ I will say that I plan on starting slow with it – one class a semester. I just want to get started so I don’t put it off any longer. Maybe eventually I will get my PHd, but for now I am focusing on a Masters in Informatics (Human Computer Interaction).

The Zerker is getting a mind of her own. Teach the kid to say ‘Baba’ and she starts firing out orders when she wants some food! LOL Also, she is just starting to get interested in baby shows like Sesame street. It is cute to watch her follow along and get excited. She is still not walking, but she is so close. Her new favorite thing is to sit on Papaws lap and play tickle. Mom said that after he was done playing with her she was in the playpen going .oooooooooooooh tickle! and tickling herself. HOW.CUTE!

I am excited to see her on Christmas morning. This is her big present:

I figured it was small enough not to clutter the house, but a good start to an activity table concept.
She has other gifts, but I know she really will have no idea what is going on, and will probably like the wrapping paper better than the toys.

We are off to my Brothers for the annual Christmas Eve Party tomorrow. The Zerker LOVES spending time with her cousins. I am singing with the Choir on Christmas morning and then our little family will spend a quiet day at home.

Merry Christmas to you and yours or whatever holiday or happy day you celebrate!

You know how it feels to dread a specific call all the time? Some days it is worse than others. Some days you don’t even think about it. Then one day it just happens.

That is how it has been with Nadie and his job for this past year. I was always worried he would be calling me to say he was let go. I got the call yesterday.

There are good things about it. I hated seeing him go to work every day when he obviously hated his job. There were a lot of days of walking on egg shells regarding making plans and whether he would have a job. There is something to be said about it just being over with and moving on to something better.

And I know we can make it for a little while at our current place with my income and our savings. I am actually glad that he will be there to stay with the Zerker for a while. And he needs a break. He needs some time to get back into what he really wants to do, rather than just maintaining status quo. We both agree that we don’t want him to just take any job right away, even if it is not a right fit, just to get a job. That will only lead to the same things that have played out over the past few years with his former position.

If we could tweak our lifestyle here and there (which will obviously happen since we lost an income) he might be able to be a stay-at-home-dad for a while. I don’t know what he wants. I think we will just take one day at a time. It so hard to see the person you love struggling. I want him to find the right path, to give him more confidence, and let him shine.

I trust in Providence. It has been the only thing to get me through the entire year of worry. It has been my constant response to Nadie, whenever he expressed his fears of the inevitable. And it will not fail us. No matter what, what really matters is that we are together. We can live with family members if necessary. I don’t think we will. But, if for some reason it came to that, we could do it and we would be ok. There would be good things about it.

I am going to try and get my next appt and Ultrasound moved up a week so that it will occur before the insurance is terminated. We will go on Cobra, but I am sure it will be messy, and I want to make sure that Ultrasound happens. I could go on my work insurance, I know, but the coverage is horrible. In the long run it will save us money paying the Cobra coverage for as long as it is available so we can have that coverage when we have the blobbles. I think they will be ok with me coming in at 19 weeks instead of 20. I hope so. I can see them having an issue because I was just there at 17 weeks. (That appt went great, by the way….)

So here is to new beginnings, and facing fears.

All of my contributions to Thanksgiving Dinner are complete. All that is left is to pack up the car and head down to my sister’s house this afternoon.
I made four pies: Apple, Pumpkin and two Pecan.

And last night I whipped up a batch of Cranberry Orange Relish (so easy) and Brussel Sprouts with Pancetta and Balsamic Vinegar (hoping it’s ‘yummo’).

I am sure it will be a crazy day. There will be 20+ people there, mostly under 18, which will only be my parents and their children and their children’s children. And even though there are so many, we will still be missing at least twelve family members. It is difficult to explain what it is like to have eight brothers and sisters during the holiday season.

I have had an underlying worry over the past few weeks. I feel huge. My belly is shaped differently than with the Zerker, but I am obviously pregnant and I really do think I look way bigger than last time at this gestational period. Still, I do not feel anything moving. I know I am only 16 weeks, but I feel so big, it seems like I should feel movement. I thought I felt butterfly wing movements at around 12-13 weeks. I do not feel those anymore, but Holy Moses the kid is growing.

All of this worry caused me to look back at my posts with the Zerker. I feel better now, knowing I had the same worries then and nothing was wrong….
I have a doctor’s appt on Monday. I hope my fears will find some peace for a few more weeks then.
Our big ultrasound is scheduled for the week of Christmas.

Now, I turn to giving thanks….
I am thankful for:
My husband.
My daughter.
The Blobbles.
Our furry kidlets – Gus, Starbuck, Grace and Mittens.
My parents and brothers and sisters.
My job.
Our house and cars and stability.
The grace of Providence.
And big big smiles…..

I committed a second year to the Providence Associates this past weekend. In some ways I didn’t feel like I got the full experience last year because of timing, I couldn’t go to any of the retreats, but in most ways I have never felt more connected to the Woods since I graduated. I told my friend Ellen that I think I have visited there more over the past two years than I have for the ten years since my graduation.

Like the way I said ‘ten years’ since my graduation?  Ugh! And you know what else? I am going to be either a new second mommy or nine months pregnant right around the time my ten year reunion comes along. It is somewhat disappointing, because I didn’t get to go to my five year reunion due to my best friends wedding. Both are excellent excuses, but darn I really want to go back and get wildly drunk with all my old college buds without fear of being caught by an RA. Oh well, life happens – and weddings and babies are blessings. That fifteen year reunion is going to be a doozy!

Also this past weekend Nadie and I became the godparents to my niece DeLainey Marie. You might remember she was born at 26 weeks in April of this year. She is doing great. She is off of oxygen and at home. She looked so precious in her little baptismal dress. I am very honored to be her godmother. I have never been a godmother before.  For her present we did give her a cross that said ‘Bless this Baby Girl’, but my favorite was that I got Delainey and the Zerker BFF necklaces. Granted they will not wear them for a while, but I think it is special.

Oh – and I am really excited because I am cantoring at my church this Sunday.  If you aren’t familiar with the term, the  cantor is the song leader at a catholic mass. I have done a lot of cantoring in the past, but I hadn’t been so bold at my new church to volunteer until a few weeks ago. Today the music director called and asked if I would be willing to step in. The thing is that I don’t sing nearly enough these days – and I sort of feel like if I don’t then I am not doing what I am called to do…It is a month of ‘Time, Talent and Treasure’ in the diocese and we are expected to give where we can…Now Nadie can have fun holding the Zerker all mass long!

I was talking to Nadie this morning. This time before the big ultrasound is  so exciting/frustrating. I can think of great reasons for either gender. If we have a boy, that is great because then we have a boy and a girl! If we have a girl, that is great because then we have two sisters – and I think that having a sister is an amazing experience. Either way – we win!

Gratuitous happy baby picture…..

The Zerker took full advantage of her first Halloween. She stayed up partying with her cousins until 11 o’clock. Oh my! I am guessing she will be taking two naps today….

She was THE cutest Yoda EVEH!

And she was accompanied by Obi Wan Kenobi and a Storm Trooper….

Next year I am thinking the Zerker can be Princess Leia with the Blobble being Luke Skywalker. (That way Nadie can wear his new Jedi Cloak and Light Sabre again.)

Friday’s OB appt was uneventful. I forgot how simple those things are. BP check, weight check, Urine sample and a listen to the heartbeat on the doppler and we were good to go. The heartbeat was easy to find (unlike this appt with the Zerker) and a good strong 150 bpm. I feel ok now to ‘come out of the closet’ with the pregnancy now.

Happy Halloween!