All of my contributions to Thanksgiving Dinner are complete. All that is left is to pack up the car and head down to my sister’s house this afternoon.
I made four pies: Apple, Pumpkin and two Pecan.

And last night I whipped up a batch of Cranberry Orange Relish (so easy) and Brussel Sprouts with Pancetta and Balsamic Vinegar (hoping it’s ‘yummo’).

I am sure it will be a crazy day. There will be 20+ people there, mostly under 18, which will only be my parents and their children and their children’s children. And even though there are so many, we will still be missing at least twelve family members. It is difficult to explain what it is like to have eight brothers and sisters during the holiday season.

I have had an underlying worry over the past few weeks. I feel huge. My belly is shaped differently than with the Zerker, but I am obviously pregnant and I really do think I look way bigger than last time at this gestational period. Still, I do not feel anything moving. I know I am only 16 weeks, but I feel so big, it seems like I should feel movement. I thought I felt butterfly wing movements at around 12-13 weeks. I do not feel those anymore, but Holy Moses the kid is growing.

All of this worry caused me to look back at my posts with the Zerker. I feel better now, knowing I had the same worries then and nothing was wrong….
I have a doctor’s appt on Monday. I hope my fears will find some peace for a few more weeks then.
Our big ultrasound is scheduled for the week of Christmas.

Now, I turn to giving thanks….
I am thankful for:
My husband.
My daughter.
The Blobbles.
Our furry kidlets – Gus, Starbuck, Grace and Mittens.
My parents and brothers and sisters.
My job.
Our house and cars and stability.
The grace of Providence.
And big big smiles…..

I committed a second year to the Providence Associates this past weekend. In some ways I didn’t feel like I got the full experience last year because of timing, I couldn’t go to any of the retreats, but in most ways I have never felt more connected to the Woods since I graduated. I told my friend Ellen that I think I have visited there more over the past two years than I have for the ten years since my graduation.

Like the way I said ‘ten years’ since my graduation?  Ugh! And you know what else? I am going to be either a new second mommy or nine months pregnant right around the time my ten year reunion comes along. It is somewhat disappointing, because I didn’t get to go to my five year reunion due to my best friends wedding. Both are excellent excuses, but darn I really want to go back and get wildly drunk with all my old college buds without fear of being caught by an RA. Oh well, life happens – and weddings and babies are blessings. That fifteen year reunion is going to be a doozy!

Also this past weekend Nadie and I became the godparents to my niece DeLainey Marie. You might remember she was born at 26 weeks in April of this year. She is doing great. She is off of oxygen and at home. She looked so precious in her little baptismal dress. I am very honored to be her godmother. I have never been a godmother before.  For her present we did give her a cross that said ‘Bless this Baby Girl’, but my favorite was that I got Delainey and the Zerker BFF necklaces. Granted they will not wear them for a while, but I think it is special.

Oh – and I am really excited because I am cantoring at my church this Sunday.  If you aren’t familiar with the term, the  cantor is the song leader at a catholic mass. I have done a lot of cantoring in the past, but I hadn’t been so bold at my new church to volunteer until a few weeks ago. Today the music director called and asked if I would be willing to step in. The thing is that I don’t sing nearly enough these days – and I sort of feel like if I don’t then I am not doing what I am called to do…It is a month of ‘Time, Talent and Treasure’ in the diocese and we are expected to give where we can…Now Nadie can have fun holding the Zerker all mass long!

I was talking to Nadie this morning. This time before the big ultrasound is  so exciting/frustrating. I can think of great reasons for either gender. If we have a boy, that is great because then we have a boy and a girl! If we have a girl, that is great because then we have two sisters – and I think that having a sister is an amazing experience. Either way – we win!

Gratuitous happy baby picture…..

The Zerker took full advantage of her first Halloween. She stayed up partying with her cousins until 11 o’clock. Oh my! I am guessing she will be taking two naps today….

She was THE cutest Yoda EVEH!

And she was accompanied by Obi Wan Kenobi and a Storm Trooper….

Next year I am thinking the Zerker can be Princess Leia with the Blobble being Luke Skywalker. (That way Nadie can wear his new Jedi Cloak and Light Sabre again.)

Friday’s OB appt was uneventful. I forgot how simple those things are. BP check, weight check, Urine sample and a listen to the heartbeat on the doppler and we were good to go. The heartbeat was easy to find (unlike this appt with the Zerker) and a good strong 150 bpm. I feel ok now to ‘come out of the closet’ with the pregnancy now.

Happy Halloween!

This month has gone by very fast.
The Zerker is changing every day. Her top two front teeth finally cut through.

Also, she figured out how to use the Walk portion of her Walk n Ride so that she can push herself across the room:

She is sleeping much better, which tells me she was having ear issues before when she was waking up at all hours of the night. Or maybe it is just that I am used to it now, so it doesn’t seem as often. Last night I actually went into her room and brought her into our room. Partly because I had been up for an hour and I knew she would be waking up just as I was falling asleep, the other aprt was because I just wanted her close. As my friend Jess said, there is only so much time we have to snuggle with her. And pretty soon it will be hard for me to roll over in bed, let alone deal with a little kid kicking me in the stomach. LOL

A few weekends ago we went to the Feast of the Hunter’s Moon in Lafayette, IN. It was extremely muddy, but we had nice time seeing all the old costumes and eating buffalo stew. Nadie got to visit with some of his good friends, so that is always a plus.

The next weekend we had a memorial concert for my college choir director, Sister Sue. It was good to see my friends and have time to grieve with others for a while. There was an alumnae concert and singing with those beautiful voices is always a treat. I miss Sue. It is hard to know that the Zerker will never meet her. It is so unfair.

I got the h1n1 vaccine at my OB.

This week I am 12 weeks pg with the blobbles. It is starting to be more of a reality. And, I am not so nervous about having two young kids anymore, more just excited and ready for these next months to speed up so we can meet a new person.

I have a doctor appointment on Friday. I wish it was Friday. I want this appt to be over with. I am worried things will go bad. I will always worry. I hate infertility. I will never be able to enjoy pregnancy. I will always be worried that things will all fall apart.

I am sure I will post after the appointment. With the Zerker at this appt we couldn’t find the heartbeat with the doppler and they did an ultrasound to check. I hope that doesn’t happen. I feel like I would have some inclination if something was wrong. I have are different symptoms than I had with the Zerker. I feel different. I am starting to come out of the fog of exhaustion. And my face is erupting like it never has before. I have never had a lot of breakouts. Now I am getting a new pimple a week. Ugh. I sort of feel my belly growing. My pants seem a little tighter. I haven’t had any spotting. I don’t know if that matters. You know, I don’t know what in the heck to expect. Please keep your fingers crossed.

Happy Halloween!

Age: 9 Months

Physical Output:
Crawling all over the place
Pulls herself up to standing using anything she can find
Will stand on her own for a few seconds until she realizes she is doing it, then promptly sits down

Verbal Output:
says ‘Dada’ to everything
has also said ‘Mama’ and ‘baba’ but usually responds with ‘Dada’ when I try to get her to say ‘Mamma’
loves to babble and tell you what is what

Notable Events:
Went to GenCon
Went to the Zoo with her cousins DeLainey and Dillon
Spent the weekend at the Woods
Went to the Colts Training camp

Sleep Progression:
She sleeps in her crib at the beginning of the night
on a good night she will sleep from 7pm to 5-6am
has had a few ear issues, and doc thinks that is causing her to wake up
when her ears are bothering her she ends up with mommy
is refusing to take naps at daycare

Edible Input:
She just started eating cheerios and other snacks
she eats some jars of baby food, but also likes to try what mommy and daddy are eating
she had her first meal at a restaurant where we ordered mac – n -cheese for her , she ate it without incident (except for the noodles all over the floor)

Diaper Size: 3 – we have found that huggies fit her best

Length: 28 inches
Weight: 19 lbs 12 ozs
# Teeth – still only two – but ponds and streams of drool to show the top four teeth will be here any day….

Keep your fingers crossed! We have an ultrasound to check the growth and get a better measurement of the little wonder today.

Updated
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Measuring a week less than I thought – but that is ok with the pcos and not really being planned – I guess….
Infertility scars have hardened my heart – and I will always be leary until the blob is living breathing and crying in my arms….

but anyways – it was a very cute blob….decided to call it the blobbers…
measuring 8 wks 2 days – with a good heartbeat of 171…

gratuitous picture of womb with blobbers

• Every minute a woman dies in pregnancy and childbirth. Each year more than 536,000 women die due to complications developed during pregnancy and childbirth and 10 million more suffer debilitating illnesses and lifelong disabilities.

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After fighting it for a few nights, the Zerker has slept through 5am the past two nights. Yay!
She just doesn’t seem to be a sleeper. At her age she should be taking two naps and sleeping a full nights sleep.
I am lucky to get one nap out of her these past few weeks and the daycare hardly seems to even try.
She seems to need me to lay with her for a bit to calm her down, and I am sure they don’t do that at daycare. But, last night Nadie just had her play hard until she was tired and he said she went right to sleep. I was at choir practice.
I was worried that her ears were bothering her after four days of being up for hours at a time in the wee small hours of the morning. She didn’t have any other symptoms – no fever – so I didn’t want to do the over zealous mommy bit at the doctor one more time (I think they are getting used to me being there.) If they were, they seem to have cleared up.
Yesterday she was in a fabulous mood….

Oh – but when I got home from choir practice, Nadie had a story to tell! I guess when he was jogging on the treadmill and the Zerker was hanging in the pack n play she had a major blowout. Like – all over the pack n play and everything that was around her! I tried to sound sincere …Oh dear! That sucks! But it turned into a fit of giggles….hehehehehe! Better you than me!

I’m so bad.

Hello ICLWers!
I know many of you are in the middle of the struggles that IF brings…If you are going through some really bad times or don’t want to be taken off guard about others who have made it out of the land of IF – then I would suggest not reading this post…I wish you all the best!

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This post is sort of hard, because I know some of the people who read this blog would give their left foot to be saying what I am about to say.

We spent over three years, surgery, medications, diets, pokes and prods to concieve the Zerker. It was a long and sometimes sad and stressful journey – sometimes feeling hopeless…always feeling that it was not really in our control.

And now with the Zerker being 8 months old and growing and changing and so freaking amazing…
I went to the doctor yesterday because by my calendar I am eight weeks pregnant.

We were not trying. We have a beautiful baby that keeps us very busy – we don’t have the energy to try!

I did stop BCP because they were making me crazy. But I wasn’t counting and from what I can tell the timing would not have been when I thought I was ovulating anyways.

I suppose in some ways things are never in your control….

I never understood the other IF girls that got pregnant accidentally the second time and the discussion of survivor guilt. I think I do now. I am really sorry if this news affects you negatively. I know the feeling of frustration every pregnancy announcement can cause. I would never ever want to upset someone.

I have an ultrasound next Wednesday. It is still really early. Anything could happen.
It is scary and wonderful.
I am a bit overwhelmed, thinking of two children so close in age. There are pros and cons to it. My brother and I were 14 months apart. Two of my sisters are the same age one week a year. And sheesh! Lots of people have twins….

What does it mean for my job and my role in life and where I go? I am not really sure right now. It is too early to tell. I know that I can keep working full time and I could handle it. And I also know we can’t afford for me to not bring in some income.

A few weeks ago I was waxing poetically about pregnancy. I talked about how wonderful it was and how I would never want to avoid the experience. And while that is still true – it was after that conversation that I thought – Hmm…you know I missed someone last week…I woke up in the wee hours of the next morning and saw a dark pink line…darker than anything I saw so early with the Zerker. Them I pretty much said OMFG and have sort of been in a haze since then….

I was worried about seeing my doctor. I had a c-section and he specifically said I should wait a year to allow the uterus to heal. Yesterday he said in his mild mannered tone (he is so kind) that of course it is ok. He says though with this baby coming so early and the risk of Gestational Diabetes again that we can’t do a vbac.

So right now is a crazy time, sleep training a baby during first trimester exhaustion while still working fulltime. I am hungry all the time and my stomach feels like it will turn itself inside out when it is empty at 4am. I need to put some crackers by the bed. These are blessings….

I was told I need to have a thicker skin.

I know I can be more sensitive than others at times. I don’t always see this as a character flaw.

I believe being sensitive allows me to have a greater awareness of the emotions that are around me at any time. Whether those emotions are concerning me or not, they have an affect on my outlook.

And, when negativity pervades into my emotional boundaries – it affects how I work – it affects what I do. And I will try my hardest to block the problem – to keep my chin up and move on. But, there is only so much I can do to block it.

If that negativity is directed at me personally – without cause – on a daily basis – I will NOT get over it. And, it is NOT my problem. Oh, how I react to it is, but it doesn’t seem quite fair to respond that I just need to get a thicker skin. If someone had reached out and chopped off my arm, or attempted to and succeeded with a few fingers every day, then the physical signs would be obvious, and blame would not be placed on me.

And the person that was doing these things knows this is the type of person I am. So blaming me in this case is sort of like saying a woman is asking to be assaulted because she has a beautiful red dress on. Someone knows I am susceptible to negativity – is having a shitty time in their life – and decides it is best to take it out on me – its alright – I’ll absorb it – and I was asking for it for being so sensitive in the first place! Plus everything is just perfect in my life – so I must deserve something negative too!

I refuse to harden myself. It is part of who I am. It enables me to do the things that I do, and do them well. It allows me to have real and true empathy. It strengthens my creativity.

I must keep the edges of my spirit in flux – to allow to pull in – and then allow to push out. I must find a way to take negativity into a void – but NOT build a barrier – that would be like cutting off the tips of my fingers – or my taste buds. The edge of my spirit is my sensory tool for understanding the world better.

When will humanity move forward to understand these are traits we need – and not try to turn us all into bots that don’t feel?

(ok maybe the emo-less robot concept is a little harsh – but dude – I am not gonna get a thicker skin….)