We just returned from a lovely retreat at the Woods.

I really want to be able to say without hesitation ‘i am exactly the person that i want to be’

Some days I am better at letting go than other days.
Please listen to this amazing song about it.

Words by Amanda Palmer:

in my mind
in a future five years from now
i’m 120 pounds
and i never get hungover
because i will be the picture of discipline
never minding what state i’m in
and i will be someone i admire
and it’s funny how i imagined that i would be that person now
but it does not seem to have happened
maybe i’ve just forgotten how to see
that i’m not exactly the person that i thought i’d be

and in my mind
in the faraway here and now
i’ve become in control somehow
and i never lose my wallet
because i will be the picture of discipline
never fucking up anything
and i’ll be a good defensive driver
and it’s funny how i imagined that i would be that person now
but it does not seem to have happened
maybe i’ve just forgotten how to see
that i’ll never be the person that i thought i’d be

and in my mind
when i’m old, i am beautiful
planting tulips and vegetables
which i will mindfully watch over
not like me, now
i’m so busy with everything
that i don’t look at anything
but i’m sure i’ll look when i am older
and it’s funny how i imagine that i could be that person now
but that’s not what i want, if that’s what i wanted then i’d be giving up somehow
how strange to see that i don’t want to be the person that i want to be

and in my mind
i imagine so many things
things that aren’t really happening
and when they put me in the ground, i’ll start pounding the lid
saying “i haven’t finished yet –
i still have a tattoo to get
that says ‘i’m living in the moment’.”
and it’s funny how i imagined that i could win this winless fight
but maybe it isn’t all that funny that i’ve been fighting all my life
but maybe i have to think it’s funny if i wanna live before i die
and maybe it’s funniest of all to think i’ll die before i actually see
that i am exactly the person that i want to be

fuck yes
i am exactly the person that i want to be

We moved z to her big girl bed a few weeks ago. Tonight we put C in the crib. We will see how it goes.

I gave up Facebook for Lent, and it is like an itch that needs scratched.

My mother was very sick and Charlie and I took a quick trip to Florida so I could be near her. It was hectic, but I am glad I went. My sisters all agree that he is the best baby ever.

My mom is recovering. I love her so much. I am thankful for having such loving parents.

Dedicated to my husband and partner, Jason, on this St. Valentines Day…

I want both of us

To start talking about this great love

As if you, I and the Sun were all married

And living in a tiny room,

Helping each other to cook,

Do the wash,

Weave and sew,

Care for our beautiful

Animals.

We all leave each morning

To labor on earth’s field.

No one does not lift a great pack.

I want both of us to start singing like two

Traveling minstrels

About this extraordinary existence

We share,

As if

You, I and God were all married

And living in

A tiny

Room.

As written in: The Gift

Poems by Hafiz

The Great Sufi Master

Translations by Daniel Ladinsky

Yesterday I had to go to the library with both kids in tow to renew my card. As I was waiting for the librarian to handle my account I turned to the shelf (between teaching The Zerker about library etiquette and screaming) and saw a familiar name on display:



This is Matt’s new book! I have been reading Matt’s blog since we were trying to create the Zerker. His wife, Constance, has similar issues as I do in regards to fertility and they had their beautiful daughter Nola not too long after Zerker came along.
This is Matt’s second book, and both are devoted to a father’s experience with infertility and pregnancy. He is an authentic and compassionate soul and a great example for all.
Keep up the great work, Matt!

Do you know who is now a full-fledged two year old in all her terror and glory?

That is right! It’s Zoe Ellen Ruth Kyle!
We celebrated her birthday with the Wonder Pets. She loves Ming Ming. She thinks Tuck and Linny are awesome too, but she has a special place for Ming Ming. I think it is because Ming Ming is very similar to Z in personality. She is funny, independent, and likes to be the center of attention.
I checked a lot of invitations with the Wonder Pets on them, but decided to design them myself – to save money (with inspiration from here)….

And I got to break out my new sewing machine to make her a Wonder Z cape to wear on her special day…(and whenever else she wants since she is so into dressing up!)

I also made a special dress for her to wear. It should fit her for a while, but I tacked a 2 on it for the party.

She had a lovely time hanging with her friends and cousins. Everyone was cheerful, despite the previous evenings NFL Playoff loss by the Colts. It’s funny how football is so much less important these days – with two little ones to always make us smile.

When we sang Happy Birthday, she was a little overwhelmed. It is funny because she always loves to be the center of attention, but I don’t think she was prepared for the serenade. Since then she has been working on singing, ‘Happy Birthday’ with the Minnie Mouse card she got from her cousins.

The days fly by. She learns and grows more every day.
The rest of this is to remember Zoe at two…

She is still obsessed with books and the alphabet. She can count to ten. She loves to dance and jump. She doesn’t start eating the crayons until a few minutes after the coloring starts. And when I ask her not to eat them and tell her I will take away each crayon she puts to her mouth she continues to put each one in her mouth as I take them away. I am sure she is just looking for the attention, and she will enjoy coloring more than being scolded one day. She has been in time out a few times and she is very good at staying still until she is allowed to come out, although she sometimes cries through it, upset to be in trouble.
Every color is yellow, even though she has said red, blue green and purple.
Her favorite shape is the circle, which she calls werkle. She knows the rest of the shapes, but refuses to say triangle. She usually calls them werkles, even though I have heard her say triangle before. She is the master of the shape sorter – circles stars triangles squares.
She can do basic puzzles – and loves to take them out.
She plays with all of her stuffed animals, and calls them out by name. She calls the monkeys ‘bears’. Her method of playing is to take every animal out and put them in another place, whether it is on the couch or in her brother’s playpen while he is sleeping….She says ‘Here Bubby’ when she loads him up with animals.
She loves the moon. She looks for it every morning.

Last week we started a dance class! I need to get a picture of her at it, because watching a 2 year old at dance class is like going to the cute overload convention.
She works on kicks and spins and front rolls.
I started to write out what she is saying, but there is really too much to write.
She is smart and funny and great at being a big sister. She starts the day with ‘Hi Bubby!’ and continues to make sure he is happy throughout the day by giving him toys and kisses.
Some days she is an awesome napper. Other times she flat out refuses and will loudly cry in her crib until she is allowed to get up.
Right now her favorite song is ‘Where is thumbkin’ and she tries to sing the words, but you can only understand a few, like thumbkin and thank you.
There is so much more to say.
She is a fabulous two year old, so much fun to have around – even if she pees on the floor every now and then when we are trying to air out her bottom and potty train or whacks her bubby on the head handing him a toy.

I really wanted to get better at posting again, but I’m doing the best I can.

Christmas break was wonderful. I had two weeks off. Jason had one week off. We didn’t go anywhere. We stayed home, visited friends and family nearby. I really needed that time to re-focus and get ready for the next year.

Christmas Eve we always go to my brother’s house. We had a lovely time this year, as usual. My family sings the song ‘Must be Santa’ by Mitch Miller and the Gang over and over again with hand gestures and all. It is quite goofy.

This year the morning before the party I played the song for Zoe. I showed her the hand gestures. When it came time to do the song at the party she quickly ran into the center of the circle and tried to do all of the moves. It was completely adorable.

The only bad part about the party was the snow that came down while we were there. My brother lives out in the boonies (in the house I grew up in). I was the designated driver for the party. I hate driving in the snow. It was the worst conditions I have ever driven in. We were blessed to make it home safe and sound.

The kiddos had matching Christmas pajamas. They wore them to the family party.

When we got home, the kids went directly to bed and we helped Santa into the house (we don’t have a chimney)!

The next morning we brought the kids down to see what Santa had brought.

Zoe is now totally on her way to becoming the greatest chef of all time! (And I am doomed to a life of picking up and tripping over wooden food.)

And Charlie may have gotten the coolest present, ever! They both love to watch the little cars go round and round – perhaps it is hypnotic…


Charlie was more interested in the paper than the presents this year.

But they really have enjoyed their new toys…

We actually had to open presents quickly so we could get to church where I had to lead the music. Although it was rushed, it was lovely experience. I guess most of the people at the church had gone to the Midnight Mass, so the Christmas Day Mass was more intimate. Jason had the cry room all to himself and the kids. And, I was able to help him out from communion on. Zoe even went up to the cantor stand with me on the Lamb of God, although she kept trying to grab my lips, so I doubt that will be a regular occurrence.
We spent the rest of the day at home. On Sunday we had a little Christmas feast. We roasted a turkey and all of the usual accompaniments. It was delicious. Charlie even got to eat some mashed potatoes at the table with the rest of us!
All in all, we had a lovely time! We are so very blessed.

I have been very bad at posting. I never posted Charlie’s second quarter update. I can tell you it wasn’t because I was sitting at home eating bon bons.

My first class is finished. I am told it is the most time consuming class in the entire program. I sure hope so! I don’t think I could do that over and over again for three years.

The course was Interaction Design Practice. It was interesting. It was a great way to meet my classmates. It was also an endless chain of group projects, one more complicated than the next. It was three classes a week plus group meetings. Also we had to write weekly reflections in a class blog – so I was moonlighting. Perhaps I will post a few of those reflections here for keeping track of what went on.

So add that to the two babies and full time job. I was extremely grateful to my wonderful husband and flexible job. It was a little hectic at times. If I use that class as a gauge of what I can handle, I am pretty sure I can only do one class a semester. Maybe it will get easier. My class next semester has zero group work and only meets once a week. I know the homework will be tough, but at least I can do it on my own time. We will see.

Yesterday was my birthday. I would like to write a reflective post, but might not get to it. The day was wonderful. I was snowed in from work. While working from home I was able to spend time in the snow with Zoe. Charlie is just TOOO little to even care.

Also, we were able to set up the table so I worked while Zoe colored. She did actually color some, but lost her crayons as she put them in her mouth.

The big news from my B-day was that Charlie finally figured out how to crawl – hand foot hand foot….it was super cute, although I think we are in for some interesting times with two mobile crazy kidlets. I am not waiting for when he realizes the limitlessness of his domain.

And the evening was spent having wonderful food at Zydecos, a New Orleans style restaurant in the town closest to us. It was a fabulous time. I had a hurricane, oysters, and a sampler of jambalaya, etouffle, garlic soup and red beans and rice.

I will be on vacation until the end of the year. I have lots of presents to wrap. Jason will also be on vacation one of the weeks. I am looking forward to some great days!

This is a response to this blog post.

On the whole i think I am on my way between Transitional and Designerly thinking. Of course, I am sure there are pieces of me that touch on pre-emergence. I scored myself on all of the categories. You can see a visualization of it here:

From Drop Box

I see a trend of being more competent at getting past the earlier barriers than the ones later in the list. There is a smattering of lower scores here and there which I think generally speaks to the path that I have taken so far – being in a professional setting rather than an academic setting.

Here are some of my insights for particular barriers:

Best solution and Algorithm / design paradox
I have been challenged with many problems throughout the years, and I have no doubt that for all of them there were many possible solutions. I don’t think there is some perfect answer (although initial mathematics training might have taught me differently). I have seen my proposed solutions come to fruition. Some of them are great, others are still causing problems. Sometimes it seems like the problem might be too hard to solve without radical changes to an industry that is not as pliable as we would like. I would probably rate myself highest on these concepts, just from experiencing messy problems over and over again.

Critique culture , Idea loyalty, Me and We
This is something I have more recently (past few years) become familiar with. In the beginning of 2009 I was placed into a new role. It was then that I actually started thinking of myself as a designer. I did design before that, but it wasn’t the focus of what I was doing, it was just sort of a necessary evil. It was in 2009 that I changed my lens. Thinking of things from a design perspective can be much more emotional than from a technical or management focus. It is over these few years I have learned so much more about letting go of your creation. Designs are made SOOOO much better when many people can give input. And, critiquing a design is not critiquing you as a person. I also have grown in that I understand what my strengths and weaknesses are. I think I am better at letting go of a design when it gets to a certain point so I can let someone else take it to the next level. Also, I think if you are making good design decisions, you have a good rationale for specific things that you put into your design, so you know what to make a case for and what to let go. I have lots of experience in the professional world being part of a team that is trying to reach a goal as well as leading the team in some way.

Technology vs Human Centered, User Research and IT Domination

My current position is at a very technology centered/ IT Domination company – at least the engineering team I am on is this way. There is sort of an internal schism between the brains and the feelings. And we have been somewhat successful with all of this. We hire good service members to make sure our customers are happy (or at least they think they are happy) and we higher big brains to make systems that will surely impress the customers with their whiz and bang. I suppose I have always been a sort of communicator between the two groups. I don’t write code. I can listen to people and help to identify their pain. I can make things happen and talk to the other brains to translate pain to product. I am pretty good at this, and it has helped me to moderately successful. Still, I would say that I am only as good as the sphere that I am in. We are trying to change trying to make our products designed from the beginning rather than built on top of a complex system – but changing an institution and how it thinks is a task that requires time and effort. We will get there. So I say that regardless of how I view the world and design, I still have much to learn on influencing that world.

Role, Research and Philosophy, Reflective Designer, Omnipresence and External/Internal

I think these are the areas I need to focus on the most. Its funny though, I feel as though these are ideas not just about design but about how you live. Design is a part of how I live my life. I can be a reflective living being, or I can just go day by day and not really think about what I am doing. Being reflective means searching for information to improve yourself or what you are doing, but the end design will come from you. I sort of feel that is how my life is. I research different things – recipes, books, new music, methods of parenting, communication, time management, and try to incorporate that into the design of Beth. In the end, whatever Beth is, is what she is, and some of those things might stick. The food might not taste quite like I expected from the recipe – but it is still good. I don’t know if I make much sense, but that is what I get when I ponder these last things. I am still a design in progress.