The weekend before last we visited my lovely alma mater. It was dreary outside, but Providence was at work – because lots of people that I really wanted to expose the Zerker to were there….

The E in Zerker comes from a very special person.
One of those people you meet and you are blown away.

When I was a wee one of 18 I visited SMWC. The first teacher I met, the first Sister of Providence I met, the first real person of my beloved college was Ellen.

And over the next four years we formed a wonderful bond.

She became my academic advisor, professor, work study supervisor, and most importantly, friend. You know when you go through that phase and you don’t connect with your parents anymore? She was the one mentor I connected to then that I knew woud love me no matter what. I feel like I learned about unconditional love from her.

And through the years we have maintained that friendship.
Of course, we don’t have the time to sit in her office and wax poetically about my latest college girl frustration, we do keep in touch. She was my ‘Sister Companion’ on my journey to become a Providence Associate.

I cannot express how much it means to me that she has made herself so available to me on this journey. She is the definition of why you designate a namesake.

(oh and this summer…she celebrates her Golden Jubilee…50 years devoted to Providence…amazing….)

Lori says that Perfect Moment Monday is not about creating moments, but noticing them.

Sometimes, though, I can feel these moments being created…not intentionally…or even by me…I did not make the sun shine this weekend…I only saw that it was coming and took advantage of the situation…

So this weekend Nadie and I took the Zerker to Cataract Falls. I love going here because it is simple beauty. It is not part of a large park, and there are only a few things to do there. There is just enough to fill a Saturday afternoon…..

We ate a picnic lunch.

Looked at the big waterfall.

Looked at the Covered Bridge.

Drove down to the lower falls and walked the trail in a loop twice in our new Jogging stroller (I am totally stoked that I got this stroller for $45 at a garage sale).

There were so many beautiful things to look at.

And by that time we were all pooped and ready to go home.

And it was good.

It was an afternoon of perfect moments. Even the time when the Zerker was crying on the way to the car before the walk because she wanted a bottle and had a dirty diaper. Her cries are getting so character-like. You would think she was experiencing a major life crisis whenever she decides that she desperately needs a bottle or changed right this instant….My ‘oh no! mommy must fix it!’ feelings are turning into holding back laughter because she seems so dramatic. Not that I want to hear it for long periods of time…but that doesn’t happen too often.

I am listening to ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ during my commute right now. (I drive to the office three days a week, and it is 45 minutes away…so I ‘read’ my books via my iPod on the way to and from…)
And I know it is so Oprah cliche…but hey, it is making me think, so that is good.

So back to the point…she references how places have a word that defines them, and goes on to say that people have a word that defines them. The word can change with what they are going through, but it should encompass the point of the journey they are on. While she is in Rome she is told by a friend that Rome’s word is ‘Sex.’

So this got me thinking about what my word is right now. My first thought was ‘create,’ but maybe it is ‘kaleidoscope.’

I know that the first year of motherhood can be stressful. I understand that I need to be patient with myself. Over the past few months I have oscillated from deliriously happy to extremely unstable and worried. I know a lot has to do with hormones, but it is also just part of the transition.

I did go back to therapy – because I believe it is my responsibility to work through things rather than just suffering. I will not live like chicken little! The sky is NOT falling!

Still, I do not just wake up one morning and become a different person. It is a process. And at first it was making me kooky, then I suppose I started moving to the next phase. Oh, but I AM becoming a different person. Not entirely someone else…just more than who I was.

I like it.
Actually, I love it.

My job is moving into this new phase where I get to be uber creative. Okay, so it is uber geeky creative – but not in the ‘look-at-this-cool-formula-i-built-in-excel’ or the ‘i-just-spent-35-hours-writing-specs-about-site-security’ or the ‘look-at-my-fancy-SQL-query’…it is a clean slate. It is starting at ground zero and designing something new.
I have spent all of my working life inside a box…a specific platform…going from supporting to training to implementing to managing that platform…but it has always been within that platform. There is creativity there, but mostly creativity with bandaids…doing what we can within the confines of what exists, the path of least resistance…

and now we are making a transition to get away from that box….and it is a paradigm shift for me…but it is fracking cool…

and oh the baby girl…the amazing Zerker…she makes me want to be creative…assuming a new role in life…becoming the momma…means i have to change my view…so if I am changing, I had better know what stays and what goes…

reinvention of self…reclaiming what is me and adding to it…it is awesome.

– I installed Gimp and Inkscape (Free photo editing and illustrating software) and am teaching myself how to use them.
– I played around with scrapblog one weekend (hence the new header for the blog).
– I made a new lanyard for my work ID badge out of girlie ribbon belts.
– I got some cool new shoes (they match my new lanyard – haha).
– I made a notebook by covering the binding of a scrapbook paper tablet with a brown paper bag and am using it to take notes at the office.
– I cut bangs in my hair! I have been thinking about this since december.
– I bought a bass guitar and I am learning to play it so I can play bass when I jam with some friends next month. I am a singer and I have ‘talked’ about getting a bass guitar for ten years. I had guitar lessons in college and used to play in church. My bachelors is in Math and Music…I am not getting any younger. I really want to do it. I think it would be k*ck*ss if I played bass and sang in a band. We will see if the band happens. We WILL jam though, and that will be fun.

All of these mods…I keep feeling like a Kaleidoscope. Like things are switching to a new cool view…they may change again..but I am holding the lense and watching things as they change…it is beautiful.

The lense is my marriage. The lense is my daughter. The lense is my vocation.
And it shifts and it brings different colors. Not everything is easy, but it IS beautiful.

I keep thinking of this song:
My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue
An everlasting vision of the everchanging view
A wondrous woven magic in bits of blue and gold
A tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold
Tapestry – Carole King

And I made this with Gimp….

Hello ICLWers!
This is my first ICLW. It is pretty cool to get to know more bloggers.

As for a little bit about myself and where I am on the journey….

I am married – almost 4 years. I affectionately refer to DH as Nadie.

I have PCOS. We tried to concieve for three years, one of them with medical help before getting PG. I blogged during our TTC time at http://unsimpleprocreation.blogspot.com.

We now have a 3.5 month old little girl. I call her the Zerker. She is freaking amazing.

This blog is about my life unfolding…assuming the role of a mother, loving and caring for my husband, moving into new areas of work, my relationships, spirituality, things i find interesting, basically whatever I feel like…welcome to my world!

Beebles is a nickname some of my friends gave me in college. My email address was bbell for a long time (until I got married and my name changed!) and it was way more fun to say beebles.

I have a post forming in my head about kaleidescopes and the space I am in right now…will try to post by the end of the week.

Now I gotta get to work…

Age: 3 Months

Physical Output:
Smiles all the time
Progressed from batting at toys to grabbing and pulling
Will hold toys while seated
Can almost sit up by herself, needs little support
Loves to stand with support
‘Allegedly’ rolled over – unconfirmed by momma or daddy – confirmed by momma and daddy on Friday!

Verbal Output:
began with ‘uuuuuuuh’
progressed to long and loud oohs and ahs
will sing with momma
now has character like squeals of delight

Sleep Progression:
began at 1 – 2 hours between feedings
now will sleep up to 10 hours in the evening

Edible Input:
eats 4 – 6 ozs at a time…usually 4, but has eaten 6 when exceptionally hungry

Diaper Size: 1

Length: over 23.5 inches
Weight: probably about 12.5 lbs(I was way off on the 15 pounds!) – true amount unknown until 4 month dr visit
Net Operating Income: incalcuable

A year ago today my body began the cycle that produced my darling Zerker. We were heading into the unknown of our first medicated fertility cycle. What I feared would end up being just another April Fool’s joke on me, ended up being the beginning of the best year of my life so far…

I am so excited to see how the rest of the years unfold!

And I am her fool….

In case I forget anything that happened over the past year I wanted to take a few quick notes….

• Being pregnant with the Zerker was a breeze.
• After the first month of scary RE-ness thinking that I was miscarrying or that she was ectopic, there was not a lot of issues.
• I didn’t have much nausea.
• I WAS tired a lot.
• I generally felt OK until 30 weeks when my back broke down on me, but after I stopped working out I was fine.
• 37+weeks was not that big of a deal as far as being uncomfortable.
• I totally missed being able to roll over in bed and get up and down with ease.
• There was no need for all that worry about my water breaking – when it happens I will know – it smells different.
• Feeling her inside of me was amazing. Kicking – rolling – being goofy.
• Maybe next time (if I do have another kid) I won’t be so worried and will be able to enjoy being pregnant more.
• Not being able to drink alcohol was not so bad. After a few months the thought of a beer or a glass of wine sounded disgusting. Now I don’t even like drinking so much, and I am glad of that.

• Labor was not so bad. Not nearly as scary as I made it out to be. OK the part where they called for all the nurses on the floor to come and did an emergency insertion of the fetal monitor on her head was scary. The rest of it – not so much.
• Epidurals are nice.
• C-sections are OK and after 20 hours of labor – they are welcome.
• She is SOOOO worth it.

I am VERY irish. Both of my parents were mostly from Ireland, with a few Italian exceptions here and there…..
So Happy St. Patricks Day!
We celebrated with Bangers and Mash because I forgot to buy Corned Beef. Nadie doesn’t really like corned beef anyways…so this was a nice switchup.

I also forgot to dress the Zerker in her cute St. Patty’s Outfit I bought a month ago. I put it on her tonight and took some pictures. Without further ado….

Ha Ha Mom! I don’t want a beer!

You could give me a green bottle….

When Irish eyes are smiling…it’s like a morn in spring…

I’ll give Darby O’Gill a run for his money!

Where was that pot o’gold?

My Guiness, My Goodness!

Come on and kiss me, I’m Irish!

I know the captions are cheesy…:)
Happy St. Patricks Day! Luck of the Irish to you!

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
May the rains fall soft upon your fields,
And, until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.

Before I get started…I just need to say that I am so very glad that Nadie and I did whatever it took to have the Zerker. She amazes me every day. I can’t believe I am so blessed.

Now back to your regularly schedule programming.

Working from home is going well. I find that usually it isn’t the Zerker that distracts me, it is other things like, oh, Ellen at 11am and the internet. I am getting back into the swing of things. I think Zerker enjoys those days. She definitely prefers being able to nurse whenever.

Speaking of BFing, um, I don’t know that I ever mentioned how it ended up. After seeing the Lactation consultant many times and trying reglan and fenugreek, and doing the whole nurse/supplement/pump thing, it just didn’t seem to be working. I never got more than an ounce at a time in pumping. I am guessing the lil one wasn’t ever getting full after the second week either. So these days I nurse really just to try and give her as much of the good stuff (antibodies, etc) to keep her from getting sick, but she is really bottle fed when it comes down to it. We still bond through nursing once in the morning and a few times at night. It is so sweet to see her big smile when she realizes we are going to nurse, especially after I pick her up from child care. She looks up like, ‘I have been waiting for this all day!’ I wish I could give her more so that she actually gets full, but I can’t stress about it.

Nana and Papa were crazy about the video. Since they left for FL the week after she was born, they have had to live as grandparents vicariously through the internet. All of the Zerker’s grandpeople are in FL. We are hoping to take a trip there soon. Nana and Papa will be back in May, but she will be so different by then. It makes me sad (and my mom too) that they are missing this cute time.

Zerker is doing so well at sleeping. She needs to eat either at midnight or 4am. It depends on the day as to which it is. Last night I fed her at 10pm and she didn’t wake up until 5am. I know these things will change, but it is good right now. Also, she sleeps in her carseat, and I think that is going to have to change soon. We need to get her adjusted to her crib. I got a wedge pillow to keep her elevated, but it won’t be nearly like her carseat. She always spits up all over the place when she is laying on her back. It doesn’t seem to bother her, but I know she is much more comfortable elevated. Maybe we will also put a book under the edge of the crib.

Since Zerker has decided to start babbling up a storm, we felt it only necessary to record these things for posterity..So, last weekend we bought a new camcorder. I was going to pick up a flip mino, but we decided to get one of these instead. It is super easy to use. I can copy the videos over to youtube in a snap and the video is stored on an SD card so it is expandable. I bought an 8Gig one for now. Hence you will be seeing little vids on here every now and then.

Two of the sweetest things this week…
1. yesterday she woke up with a dirty diaper at 4am. I changed her and fed her a bottle. SHe went back to sleep. Around 730am I brought her into the bed with us fora bit. She was zonked out. When she is like taht she seems most like a baby doll. She stretches her arms and makes this face like her cheeks are pouting and her lips are stretching too. All I could think was that she wanted to say ‘Go way! Aws Seeping!’ just like the LOLcats. too. cute.

2. This morning when I put her back to sleep after a 5am bottle she was actually making her car seat rock…she was rocking herself to sleep. SHe has this thing where she takes her blanket and kneads it in her hand. She pulls the blanket up to her head. Now she is finding her feet and I think that is why she was getting the seat to rock….kneading with her toes….the lil rockstar….:) lol

Tomorrow night my sister is going to watch the Zerker while Nadie and I go out to celebrate St. Pattys day. We are spending the night at my sister’s house in B-town. I am so excited. I haven’t been out on the town in over a year. I am going to have a half-yard of Smithwicks I think. Woot woot!

PS Why does the lullabye station think babies are into Kenny G?

This is for Nana….

Last night I stayed after work a bit to hang with a few friends. This means nadie picked up the Zerker. I really only got home thirty minutes later than usual, but I still had a bit of down time with other adults.

One of my co-workers actually asked me if I was considering putting the Zerker in pageants. She asked this not because she wanted me to, but because seh was worried that I would because she knew I was in pageants when I was a kid.

I was in maybe three pageants, and when I did them I was older, and it was mostly so I could be in the talent portion.

I consider myself a feminist. I am NOT a fan of pageants. I don’t think people do them just for the experience and the scholarships. I think that is an excuse to dress up a pretty girl and make her prance around. I think the girls that I met in pageants were fake, their moms were fake, and the judges were fake too. I can’t say if that made me fake too. I don’t begrudge my mother for putting me in them, it was something we tried and decided it wasn’t for us.

My mom started me in dance and gymnastics lessons when I was three. I started voice lessons when I was five. I performed in talent competitions from five until 18. Dancing was a way of life, learning discipline, fitness, skill, artistic sense….it ended up being a good experience for me. It was tough at times, probably a little more pressure than I would have chosen, but I definitely grew from the experience.

I also did community theater. That was super fun.

So, when my co-worker asked me, of course, I said, um, no…she ain’t gonna be in no pageants…(I said it just like that! Then I went to the bathroom and teased my hair to make it bigger…LOL)…and she isn’t going to wear makeup. I told Nadie that I would be prohibitting her from wearing makeup until she has to sneak around and put it on in the bathroom at school.

When I got home I started to think maybe I was taking too many pictures of the Zerker. I love capturing how she grows. She is beautiful. I know I am biased, but I am amazed at her physical beauty. Of course, I am not really the person to judge. But that physical beauty is not the reason I am taking so many pictures. I want to capture her smile over and over again. I love her different expressions, and how she can convey different things without being able to communicate verbally. I enjoyed taking pictures before, she is now my favorite subject.

Perhaps this is coming across as vanity.

I don’t know what things we will get her involved in. It really depends on what she wants. I will let her try different things out.

Nadie hopes she is into Math and Science. I think that would be cool. We want to foster education for her so that she thinks learning is fun. The years to come will be so exciting.

In other news, I have been having trouble sleeping. The night before last I just kept staring at the clock until after 3am. And, before that I had been waking up every hour. I think it is from the transition of being up with her to listening to her throughout the night. Ugh. I don’t think I can manage much more. Last night I finally slept well, and the Zerker went to sleep around the same time with me. Bliss.

—no pictures today….:)