I think because I am the youngest of nine children I have always felt like the young one. From birth to now I had been in situations where I was the younger person around. Even after I graduated from school I lived in a convent where most of the nuns were over the age of 60. And then I moved in with my sister Barbie, of course I was the baby again. And at work for a long time I was one of the younger workers.

Then Nadie and I tied the knot. And, we bought a house, and all that adult stuff.

And, at work there are younger ones filtering in. It is interesting to be in the process of becoming one of the older ones.

And I don’t think I ever felt older than when Zoe was born. I don’t mean physically. I am still young and able and fit. I just mean these new roles – this new person – this whole darn thing called life – sometimes it just takes your breath away. It is scary and exciting and sad and fun all at once.

A co-worker has said a few times that I seem like I have finally found peace and security in myself. I don’t know if that is true – but I am content.

It is hard not to be completely in awe of the life that grows and changes every day. I suppose it is my life as well as Ms. Zerker. It is Nadie’s life too. We three are growing and changing every day. We can do anything if we want to….

We are growing and changing every day too….
this is my favorite song right now – and it is Nadie’s new ring tone…

I am listening to ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ during my commute right now. (I drive to the office three days a week, and it is 45 minutes away…so I ‘read’ my books via my iPod on the way to and from…)
And I know it is so Oprah cliche…but hey, it is making me think, so that is good.

So back to the point…she references how places have a word that defines them, and goes on to say that people have a word that defines them. The word can change with what they are going through, but it should encompass the point of the journey they are on. While she is in Rome she is told by a friend that Rome’s word is ‘Sex.’

So this got me thinking about what my word is right now. My first thought was ‘create,’ but maybe it is ‘kaleidoscope.’

I know that the first year of motherhood can be stressful. I understand that I need to be patient with myself. Over the past few months I have oscillated from deliriously happy to extremely unstable and worried. I know a lot has to do with hormones, but it is also just part of the transition.

I did go back to therapy – because I believe it is my responsibility to work through things rather than just suffering. I will not live like chicken little! The sky is NOT falling!

Still, I do not just wake up one morning and become a different person. It is a process. And at first it was making me kooky, then I suppose I started moving to the next phase. Oh, but I AM becoming a different person. Not entirely someone else…just more than who I was.

I like it.
Actually, I love it.

My job is moving into this new phase where I get to be uber creative. Okay, so it is uber geeky creative – but not in the ‘look-at-this-cool-formula-i-built-in-excel’ or the ‘i-just-spent-35-hours-writing-specs-about-site-security’ or the ‘look-at-my-fancy-SQL-query’…it is a clean slate. It is starting at ground zero and designing something new.
I have spent all of my working life inside a box…a specific platform…going from supporting to training to implementing to managing that platform…but it has always been within that platform. There is creativity there, but mostly creativity with bandaids…doing what we can within the confines of what exists, the path of least resistance…

and now we are making a transition to get away from that box….and it is a paradigm shift for me…but it is fracking cool…

and oh the baby girl…the amazing Zerker…she makes me want to be creative…assuming a new role in life…becoming the momma…means i have to change my view…so if I am changing, I had better know what stays and what goes…

reinvention of self…reclaiming what is me and adding to it…it is awesome.

– I installed Gimp and Inkscape (Free photo editing and illustrating software) and am teaching myself how to use them.
– I played around with scrapblog one weekend (hence the new header for the blog).
– I made a new lanyard for my work ID badge out of girlie ribbon belts.
– I got some cool new shoes (they match my new lanyard – haha).
– I made a notebook by covering the binding of a scrapbook paper tablet with a brown paper bag and am using it to take notes at the office.
– I cut bangs in my hair! I have been thinking about this since december.
– I bought a bass guitar and I am learning to play it so I can play bass when I jam with some friends next month. I am a singer and I have ‘talked’ about getting a bass guitar for ten years. I had guitar lessons in college and used to play in church. My bachelors is in Math and Music…I am not getting any younger. I really want to do it. I think it would be k*ck*ss if I played bass and sang in a band. We will see if the band happens. We WILL jam though, and that will be fun.

All of these mods…I keep feeling like a Kaleidoscope. Like things are switching to a new cool view…they may change again..but I am holding the lense and watching things as they change…it is beautiful.

The lense is my marriage. The lense is my daughter. The lense is my vocation.
And it shifts and it brings different colors. Not everything is easy, but it IS beautiful.

I keep thinking of this song:
My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue
An everlasting vision of the everchanging view
A wondrous woven magic in bits of blue and gold
A tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold
Tapestry – Carole King

And I made this with Gimp….

Mommy Insomnia

Is there such a thing as mom-insomnia? If so, I think I have it. The zerker is sleeping pretty solidly from 9:30pm-ish to 5:30-6:30am-ish, I on the otherhand am waking up pretty much every hour. I know it is part fallout from waking up with her over the past three months and part from constantly feeling the need to make sure she is breathing, but it is going to have to give soon enough. I am sleeping, it is just not good sleep, and I wake up feeling tired still.

I haven’t been working out like I should either. It is really hard to find a good time to get to the gym. I don’t feel comfortable leaving her with the caretakers there, since we did that once and the caretaker consisted of one teenager standing in the midst of 15 screaming kids of all ages. Let’s just say it was very hard for me to make it through the 25 minute walk on the treadmill watching the girl carry the zerker around admist chaos. I think it would have been fine if she had left her in the carrier. I am sure she thought ‘Oohh! Cute baby! I must hold!’, but um…it scared me.

So I am looking forward to warmer weather so I can go to the park and walk in the mornings with Nadie, the Zerker and the dogs. The dogs will definitely appreciate it. The winter is so tough for them because they don’t get near the excercise they need. Me too dogs, me too…. (notice adorable rainbow baby legs and fact that dog becomes baby couch…)

Fear and Loathing in My Head

And then I have this underlying sense of dread/unsteadiness/insecurity at the pit of my stomach. It isn’t about anything in particular. We are doing ok, jobs, house, baby…all is fine and if it isn’t i know we will get through whatever…so that isn’t the stress….it is bigger than that (if that is possible)…like a weight above me…I feel like chicken little and the sky is falling. When I get like this I end up muttering negative things about myself under my breath. And then I forcibly stop myself and mutter positive things to myself and look like a crazy lady. I already have the random hairs from PCOS, so I could be approaching the crazy bearded lady that pushes a cart down the street in a mumu.

At 4am this morning I thought three things…1. I need to work out. 2. I need to consider seeing that therapist again. 3. Maybe I would benefit from medication. It isn’t affecting my job or my marriage or my kid, but I don’t want to risk it. And, it is affecting my quality of life. And, I am so blessed…I really want to enjoy my blessings to the fullest. Ugh.

Bracketology.

If Michigan State beats Louisville (they are playing right now) I could win my work pool. Nifty. I only picked Michigan State because: they were seeded No. 2, I didn’t want to put all the no.1 seeds in the final four, and they are a Big Ten School. Go Spartans.

Elipses…

If you are regular reader of my blog you know that I love the elipse…well you might not have thought about it…but I do….and sometimes I will add an extra period in for good measure…

Zerker Update
This week Zerker was especially cute (well, she always is…but I am biased….) She has really started noticing her hands, so I went and got some dangling rings and a gym to over her. She already had one at her caregiver’s house, but we didn’t have one at home. She started with swatting and has already progressed to grabbing and pulling. I am so proud of her.

Also, the zerker is fantabulous about sleeping. I still really haven’t put her on a schedule. I just listen for her cues. She definitely gives the cues and is content to be put in her carrier with a pacifier and her blanket where she soothes herself to sleep.

She is such a smiley happy baby. I am so amazed by her. We went to a baby shower this weekend for one of my college friends(It was GREAT to see everyone and I am so excited for the newbie on its way!) and she was happy to be passed along…as long as the people passing didn’t mind a little spitup here and there…

Oh the little monkey….:)

PS notice that I changed my blogger profile name and picture…if you are used to me commenting on your blogs I will show up as beebles now….it is a nickname from college…