-Ani Difranco

There is a lot of talk about this program breaking us. It sort of reminds me of soldiers going to bootcamp. I hope that it breaks me of some things…opens me up to opportunities of more thoughtful and creative ways of doing things.

Still, there are some parts of my life that pretty much can’t break. My kids need me. I have to keep my job. My husband is my partner, not my assistant…etc etc

The class has been great so far, but it is REALLY hard to manage the meetings and the class and the work with my family and job. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I was taking more than one class. I am doing the best that I can to make sure this class doesn’t break the people around me.

This weekend was an almost break. I’ll just call it a bend. We bounce back – but damn, it is hard sometimes.

Also, she figured out how to use the Walk portion of her Walk n Ride so that she can push herself across the room:

She is sleeping much better, which tells me she was having ear issues before when she was waking up at all hours of the night. Or maybe it is just that I am used to it now, so it doesn’t seem as often. Last night I actually went into her room and brought her into our room. Partly because I had been up for an hour and I knew she would be waking up just as I was falling asleep, the other aprt was because I just wanted her close. As my friend Jess said, there is only so much time we have to snuggle with her. And pretty soon it will be hard for me to roll over in bed, let alone deal with a little kid kicking me in the stomach. LOL

A few weekends ago we went to the Feast of the Hunter’s Moon in Lafayette, IN. It was extremely muddy, but we had nice time seeing all the old costumes and eating buffalo stew. Nadie got to visit with some of his good friends, so that is always a plus.

The next weekend we had a memorial concert for my college choir director, Sister Sue. It was good to see my friends and have time to grieve with others for a while. There was an alumnae concert and singing with those beautiful voices is always a treat. I miss Sue. It is hard to know that the Zerker will never meet her. It is so unfair.

I got the h1n1 vaccine at my OB.

This week I am 12 weeks pg with the blobbles. It is starting to be more of a reality. And, I am not so nervous about having two young kids anymore, more just excited and ready for these next months to speed up so we can meet a new person.

I have a doctor appointment on Friday. I wish it was Friday. I want this appt to be over with. I am worried things will go bad. I will always worry. I hate infertility. I will never be able to enjoy pregnancy. I will always be worried that things will all fall apart.

I am sure I will post after the appointment. With the Zerker at this appt we couldn’t find the heartbeat with the doppler and they did an ultrasound to check. I hope that doesn’t happen. I feel like I would have some inclination if something was wrong. I have are different symptoms than I had with the Zerker. I feel different. I am starting to come out of the fog of exhaustion. And my face is erupting like it never has before. I have never had a lot of breakouts. Now I am getting a new pimple a week. Ugh. I sort of feel my belly growing. My pants seem a little tighter. I haven’t had any spotting. I don’t know if that matters. You know, I don’t know what in the heck to expect. Please keep your fingers crossed.

Happy Halloween!

I am so excited to see how the rest of the years unfold!

And I am her fool….

In case I forget anything that happened over the past year I wanted to take a few quick notes….

• Being pregnant with the Zerker was a breeze.
• After the first month of scary RE-ness thinking that I was miscarrying or that she was ectopic, there was not a lot of issues.
• I didn’t have much nausea.
• I WAS tired a lot.
• I generally felt OK until 30 weeks when my back broke down on me, but after I stopped working out I was fine.
• 37+weeks was not that big of a deal as far as being uncomfortable.
• I totally missed being able to roll over in bed and get up and down with ease.
• There was no need for all that worry about my water breaking – when it happens I will know – it smells different.
• Feeling her inside of me was amazing. Kicking – rolling – being goofy.
• Maybe next time (if I do have another kid) I won’t be so worried and will be able to enjoy being pregnant more.
• Not being able to drink alcohol was not so bad. After a few months the thought of a beer or a glass of wine sounded disgusting. Now I don’t even like drinking so much, and I am glad of that.

• Labor was not so bad. Not nearly as scary as I made it out to be. OK the part where they called for all the nurses on the floor to come and did an emergency insertion of the fetal monitor on her head was scary. The rest of it – not so much.
• Epidurals are nice.
• C-sections are OK and after 20 hours of labor – they are welcome.
• She is SOOOO worth it.

My right ovary seems to have some sort of pain every day. Not excruciating pain, but little stabs. I don’t know if this is normal. I am guessing that since my body is starting to function properly that I am experiencing the pains of normal reproductive organ processing and not some crazy problem where my ovaries start working and then they just keep on spewing out eggs. I know this is not possible, I just don’t quite get these little stabs from my girl down there. I am looking forward to that beta just to calm the fears that creep in saying that either my period was not a period or something else is wrong that my dr needs to know about. I am a hypochondriac sometimes, so I know my fears are probably silly – I just need to know for sure.

I asked the nurse at my clinic if maybe I should use Progesterone in the last part of my cycle and she said she would check with the Doc and get back to me.

The doctor said that was fine (they called this Wednesday). She prescribed Progesterone suppositories. I guess they have to be specially made. I had to pay for them over the phone to the pharmacy that will make them and ship them to my pharmacy. It was strange to get a phone call from some random pharmacy, but they cost less than 5 bucks. I was so surprised about that. Something so inexpensive could help, so I am all for trying.

Does anyone have any opinions on the effectiveness of suppositories compared to injections? At this point, since we were lucky to get pregnant in the first place, I am ok with the suppositories because even if it isn’t as effective because it is really just an extra something. Everything I read about the nightmares of shooting PIO into your bottom every evening kind of scares me. I am just looking to find out what I am getting myself into and what others think about the differences between the two methods – or oral progesterone if you have done that.

In other news, my insurance FINALLY processed the first few b/w charges. My insurance saga began all the way back in August. It took 5 faxes and approximately five thousand phone calls (not to mention contacting old insurance companies and actually getting them to send me faxes – yes I managed to pull off that impossible feat by persistance and annoyance).

I love contacting my insurance company. They are so helpful and competant. I am so surprised that people are so geared toward customer service these days! From cable to big insurance companies – I just can’t believe how wonderful the these corporations are treating their customers. And if you believe any of the previous sentences in this paragraph, I am sorry – it was all a lie.

I am thinking we should crack open some champagne in celebration.

Random comment – This is the second weekend in a row where there is no Colts game on Sunday. It doesn’t feel like a weekend when that happens during the season. We fill our time with other fun things (like the feast of the hunter’s moon or hanging with the Providence Associates).

There are a lot of questions going through my head right now.
I did not really expect this.
I am totally excited, since I have never seen a BFP AND we did not do any treatment other than diet, exercise and metformin. I am really just astonished, but leary because this is a very low number.
We will see what number 2 says tomorrow.
It could be that I just ovulated really late – since my cycle is so strange.

And I always thought it would take more than two people for us to get this accomplished…

God is good.
God will still be good if tomorrow’s numbers are lower.

I lost eight pounds since my last visit. YAY! Also my blood pressure was somewhere around 130/72. I was really enthused by that because high blood pressure was something that really wigged me out enough to take this whole loosing weight and working out seriously. Before I first started I took my BP and it was 155/95. It freaked me out – I mean I am not even 30 yet and I was dangerously close to heart attack levels. After about three months of working out I have successfully got my Blood Pressure under control. woo hoo!

I supposed to start taking UDOS 369 Supplements. Anyone ever been told to take it? It is an oil that you have to mix in a shake or pour over your food. I put it on my peas and carrots yesterday and I could barely taste it – actually it sort of made it taste better. My RE swears by it – she said she got practically all her nurses in the hospital to take it and they all swear by it now too.

It is supposed to:
Increase energy, performance, and stamina.
Strengthen the immune system.
Lower most risk factors for cardiovascular disease.
Improve brain function: mood, intelligence , behavior, and vision.
Aid in weight reduction.
Regulate organs and glands.
Speed recovery and healing.
Support healthy child development.
Improve digestion.
Decrease infection.
Keep bones strong.
Protect genetic material.
Ease PMS.
Produce beautiful skin, hair, and nails.

http://www.udoerasmus.com/products/oil_blend_en.htm

My insulin levels are really high. She said my GTT showed that my body is spilling out insulin to try and battle sugar – but the sugar still is not being processed completely. Typical Insuin Resistance – I suppose. I am to up my Metformin Dosage to 2000 mg – which is standard issue for PCOS. This should help with insulin resistance and getting my ovaries back into the right hormonal balance.

Also, my DHEA-S is sky high. This causes high free testosterone levels. I have been prescribed a low dose of prednisone. The prednisone should be able to suppress those androgens without suppressing cortisol et al.

She is very positive about my status. We have to get all of these things under control and at the correct levels before we can think about ovulation stimulation drugs. If we can get these corrected – it may not be necessary. After three months (around November) if these things are leveled out properly and I am still not prego – then we look at the next steps (probably letrezole and gonatropids, and/or IUI).

Oh and the hubby’s swimmers are mobile and plentiful. Also – my eggs are healthy and plentiful. All good news.

I am thinking this is all really good. Patience is important. I want to continue to live a more healthy life. I want to be in as good of a condition as I can when I get pregnant. It will only make the pregnancy less stressful and the baby more healthy.

Today is a big day – NFL season opener in Indy. I am going to see Kelly Clarkson and Faith Hill – oh and Peyton Manning and Bob Sanders too. Party time!

I keep listening to this song during my workout….It really makes me appreciate my life, my husband, all of the love and blessings that have been bestowed upon me my whole life. I am hopeful. And whatever happens – I am blessed.

Best of Whats Around
Dave Matthews Band

Hey my friend
It seems your eyes are troubled
Care to share your time with me
Would you say you’re feeling low and so
A good idea would be to get it off your mind

See you and me
Have a better time than most can dream
Have it better than the best
So we can pull on through
Whatever tears at us
Whatever holds us down
And if nothing can be done
We’ll make the best of what’s around

Turns out not where but who you’re with
That really matters
And hurts not much when you’re around
And if you hold on tight
To what you think is your thing
You may find you’re missing all the rest

Well she ran up into the light surprised
Her arms are open
Her mind’s eye is

Seeing things from a
Better side than most can dream
On a clearer road I feel
Oh you could say she’s safe
Whatever tears at her
Whatever holds her down
And if nothing can be done
She’ll make the best of what’s around

Turns out not where but what you think
That really matters
We’ll make the best of what’s around

after post note – I just realized this is the second month in a row that CD1 falls on the first day of the month, maybe my ovaries prefer the gregorian calendar….

So anyways – switching insurance companies is nothing new to me. This is our 4th insurance in the last two years. And I know all about how they will hold off on paying something just because they say you have to give them this paperwork that shows you had insurance before, even though you sent said paperwork three months ago. So in order to prevent any delays in paying for my treatment and getting things in gear I decided to make a pre-emptive strike – old Georgie ain’t the only one that can take down tyrants.

Being the kick ass professional woman that I am, I typed up a nice, informative fax. I included our current member number, and listed out each of our insurance companies – with member ids, group ids, company information and contact information. I also included a certificate of coverage for the majority of the companies. I called my new insurance company and talked to some guy (in Manila) who gave me a fax number to send my beautifully informative six page with cover letter fax to.

I sent the fax on July 27th – prior to my insurance company even getting any bills for us. I hadn’t heard anything and I had been checking the website to see if anything posted there – claims and such. Finally last week I decided to call and make sure all was well. Of course on they said they had not received the fax. They told me to fax it again.

I asked how he would know that it was received if I sent it again – since no one got it in the first place. He said I could call back that night. At that point you know he is just trying to get me off the phone. I said to him – ‘but I am sure you aren’t in the same building as that fax machine – I am sure you won’t be able to know that one fax was received out of all of the faxes your big corporation gets every day.’ He said – ‘Oh Yes! Just call back tonight.’ I think I hung up on the poor guy, but it was just so silly that he thought I would believe that.

So I send the fax again. That evening, after once again being made to feel like I could not speak properly by the automated answering system that could not understand when I said the word ‘member’ (think of me screaming ‘MMEEEEMMMBBBER’ into the phone on the eighth try – I swear they are going to have to pay for blood pressure medicine pretty soon if they don’t shape up)I finally talk to a person. She tells me that they will take up to three days to process any faxes. Of course they do. Who would have thought they could have a quicker turn around time than 72 hours. I mean even that is sort of pushing it for an insurance company – they move about as fast as the government.

So I call back today, I spoke to a very nice woman. She said they didn’t get my fax. She also said that since I had already sent it twice – that I needed to speak to a supervisor – woohoo! someone actually cared! So I talked to this man who I could tell was actually in the US and he was great.

I wanted to say amazing – but then I thought – ‘Can you really say that an insurance company’s employee is amazing?’ Let’s leave amazing to Providence and such.

Anyways, he told me that they gave me the wrong fax. Evidently now I AM delayed because they are waiting on pre-existing insurance information.

You can’t win – I tell ya – not when it comes to ninja insurance companies that can stealthfully escape any attempt at paying for medical care.
And I haven’t even gone for my post work up yet. Wait until they actually get something that the diagnosis is Inferility – since now it is all under the PCOS umbrella – they will be even worse then – I am sure!