Well I did start a new cycle last monday afternoon.
On Tuesday I was supposed to go in for another beta, but the dr’s office did not send in the lab request, so I waited for the labs for nothing. Since I was having pretty bad cramps at the time I took the day off. I didn’t see the point in getting another beta when it was pretty clear the little bugger didn’t take. Still my doctor wants me to go back and get one more beta this week when I get my b/w done for the next visit. She wants to see that it is at zero.

My right ovary seems to have some sort of pain every day. Not excruciating pain, but little stabs. I don’t know if this is normal. I am guessing that since my body is starting to function properly that I am experiencing the pains of normal reproductive organ processing and not some crazy problem where my ovaries start working and then they just keep on spewing out eggs. I know this is not possible, I just don’t quite get these little stabs from my girl down there. I am looking forward to that beta just to calm the fears that creep in saying that either my period was not a period or something else is wrong that my dr needs to know about. I am a hypochondriac sometimes, so I know my fears are probably silly – I just need to know for sure.

I asked the nurse at my clinic if maybe I should use Progesterone in the last part of my cycle and she said she would check with the Doc and get back to me.

The doctor said that was fine (they called this Wednesday). She prescribed Progesterone suppositories. I guess they have to be specially made. I had to pay for them over the phone to the pharmacy that will make them and ship them to my pharmacy. It was strange to get a phone call from some random pharmacy, but they cost less than 5 bucks. I was so surprised about that. Something so inexpensive could help, so I am all for trying.

Does anyone have any opinions on the effectiveness of suppositories compared to injections? At this point, since we were lucky to get pregnant in the first place, I am ok with the suppositories because even if it isn’t as effective because it is really just an extra something. Everything I read about the nightmares of shooting PIO into your bottom every evening kind of scares me. I am just looking to find out what I am getting myself into and what others think about the differences between the two methods – or oral progesterone if you have done that.

In other news, my insurance FINALLY processed the first few b/w charges. My insurance saga began all the way back in August. It took 5 faxes and approximately five thousand phone calls (not to mention contacting old insurance companies and actually getting them to send me faxes – yes I managed to pull off that impossible feat by persistance and annoyance).

I love contacting my insurance company. They are so helpful and competant. I am so surprised that people are so geared toward customer service these days! From cable to big insurance companies – I just can’t believe how wonderful the these corporations are treating their customers. And if you believe any of the previous sentences in this paragraph, I am sorry – it was all a lie.

I am thinking we should crack open some champagne in celebration.

Random comment – This is the second weekend in a row where there is no Colts game on Sunday. It doesn’t feel like a weekend when that happens during the season. We fill our time with other fun things (like the feast of the hunter’s moon or hanging with the Providence Associates).

Beta #2
17

I don’t really know how to feel.

Should I continue on like – oh i could still be pregnant!
Or should I throw in the towel?
With those types of numbers, that question probably sounds really stupid.

I am really really trying to focus on the positve.
We never made it this far before.
I have only been on the 2000mg dose of Met for less than a month.
It is pretty amazing that it actually got me this far.
I had actually already chucked this cycle to the curb last weekend, now I don’t know when it will end.
I really want it to go away. I sort of wish I never even took that test on Tuesday. Still, if it was Friday and I still hadn’t started, I would be testing today. And It would be slightly positive and all of this would have just been delayed – but still occurred.

You know what though…I have hope. Not about this ball of cells that is dying inside me, but about the potential of having a child.
I realize that DH and I CAN produce a fertilized egg. Now if I can just get my hormones corrected so that I can make a good little home for those eggs – that is key.

I say all these positive things,but I can’t deny that I still felt different this time. I felt like it might actually happen. I wasn’t very good at holding back the tears of disappointment.

Sometimes when I read my posts it seems like I come off as some perky person looking at the world through rose-colored glasses – a Pollyanna- per say. I am not a continually positive person. I guess I feel like if I post my sadness that I am dwelling in it – or that I will let it over take me and I will get off track. I have been overtaken by grief in the past – and although it was necessary to process and not deny those feelings, I find it much better to accept the feelings, find the other side and move on.

I didn’t post for 2 weeks prior to all of this. I felt like there wasn’t more to say yet, and that if I posted just to post that I would be moving further into the obsessive portions of my personality. Last week I sat outside with DH and I told him – sometimes this can become overwhelming. I needed a break. Not of trying – we will keep on – but of obsessing over it.

Because having PCOS and/or being infertile does not define who I am. It is a part who I am and how I interact with the world around me – but it is not nearly all of me.

I am a strong. I am loved. I am intelligent. I am beautiful. I am talented, etc. There are tons of things about me – and our struggles with having children is just a very small facet. It is very important to me – but I can’t make it ALL of me. If I never give birth to a child, or someone never calls me Mom, my life will still be worth something. I will still do other things.

I don’t think that is what will happen. I really do believe we will concieve and I will carry to term.

There are a lot of questions going through my head right now.
I did not really expect this.
I am totally excited, since I have never seen a BFP AND we did not do any treatment other than diet, exercise and metformin. I am really just astonished, but leary because this is a very low number.
We will see what number 2 says tomorrow.
It could be that I just ovulated really late – since my cycle is so strange.

And I always thought it would take more than two people for us to get this accomplished…

God is good.
God will still be good if tomorrow’s numbers are lower.