I am so excited to see how the rest of the years unfold!

And I am her fool….

In case I forget anything that happened over the past year I wanted to take a few quick notes….

• Being pregnant with the Zerker was a breeze.
• After the first month of scary RE-ness thinking that I was miscarrying or that she was ectopic, there was not a lot of issues.
• I didn’t have much nausea.
• I WAS tired a lot.
• I generally felt OK until 30 weeks when my back broke down on me, but after I stopped working out I was fine.
• 37+weeks was not that big of a deal as far as being uncomfortable.
• I totally missed being able to roll over in bed and get up and down with ease.
• There was no need for all that worry about my water breaking – when it happens I will know – it smells different.
• Feeling her inside of me was amazing. Kicking – rolling – being goofy.
• Maybe next time (if I do have another kid) I won’t be so worried and will be able to enjoy being pregnant more.
• Not being able to drink alcohol was not so bad. After a few months the thought of a beer or a glass of wine sounded disgusting. Now I don’t even like drinking so much, and I am glad of that.

• Labor was not so bad. Not nearly as scary as I made it out to be. OK the part where they called for all the nurses on the floor to come and did an emergency insertion of the fetal monitor on her head was scary. The rest of it – not so much.
• Epidurals are nice.
• C-sections are OK and after 20 hours of labor – they are welcome.
• She is SOOOO worth it.

I don’t really know how to feel.

Should I continue on like – oh i could still be pregnant!
Or should I throw in the towel?
With those types of numbers, that question probably sounds really stupid.

I am really really trying to focus on the positve.
We never made it this far before.
I have only been on the 2000mg dose of Met for less than a month.
It is pretty amazing that it actually got me this far.
I had actually already chucked this cycle to the curb last weekend, now I don’t know when it will end.
I really want it to go away. I sort of wish I never even took that test on Tuesday. Still, if it was Friday and I still hadn’t started, I would be testing today. And It would be slightly positive and all of this would have just been delayed – but still occurred.

You know what though…I have hope. Not about this ball of cells that is dying inside me, but about the potential of having a child.
I realize that DH and I CAN produce a fertilized egg. Now if I can just get my hormones corrected so that I can make a good little home for those eggs – that is key.

I say all these positive things,but I can’t deny that I still felt different this time. I felt like it might actually happen. I wasn’t very good at holding back the tears of disappointment.

Sometimes when I read my posts it seems like I come off as some perky person looking at the world through rose-colored glasses – a Pollyanna- per say. I am not a continually positive person. I guess I feel like if I post my sadness that I am dwelling in it – or that I will let it over take me and I will get off track. I have been overtaken by grief in the past – and although it was necessary to process and not deny those feelings, I find it much better to accept the feelings, find the other side and move on.

I didn’t post for 2 weeks prior to all of this. I felt like there wasn’t more to say yet, and that if I posted just to post that I would be moving further into the obsessive portions of my personality. Last week I sat outside with DH and I told him – sometimes this can become overwhelming. I needed a break. Not of trying – we will keep on – but of obsessing over it.

Because having PCOS and/or being infertile does not define who I am. It is a part who I am and how I interact with the world around me – but it is not nearly all of me.

I am a strong. I am loved. I am intelligent. I am beautiful. I am talented, etc. There are tons of things about me – and our struggles with having children is just a very small facet. It is very important to me – but I can’t make it ALL of me. If I never give birth to a child, or someone never calls me Mom, my life will still be worth something. I will still do other things.

I don’t think that is what will happen. I really do believe we will concieve and I will carry to term.

There are a lot of questions going through my head right now.
I did not really expect this.
I am totally excited, since I have never seen a BFP AND we did not do any treatment other than diet, exercise and metformin. I am really just astonished, but leary because this is a very low number.
We will see what number 2 says tomorrow.
It could be that I just ovulated really late – since my cycle is so strange.

And I always thought it would take more than two people for us to get this accomplished…

God is good.
God will still be good if tomorrow’s numbers are lower.