From Famine to Feast

Hello ICLWers!
I know many of you are in the middle of the struggles that IF brings…If you are going through some really bad times or don’t want to be taken off guard about others who have made it out of the land of IF – then I would suggest not reading this post…I wish you all the best!

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This post is sort of hard, because I know some of the people who read this blog would give their left foot to be saying what I am about to say.

We spent over three years, surgery, medications, diets, pokes and prods to concieve the Zerker. It was a long and sometimes sad and stressful journey – sometimes feeling hopeless…always feeling that it was not really in our control.

And now with the Zerker being 8 months old and growing and changing and so freaking amazing…
I went to the doctor yesterday because by my calendar I am eight weeks pregnant.

We were not trying. We have a beautiful baby that keeps us very busy – we don’t have the energy to try!

I did stop BCP because they were making me crazy. But I wasn’t counting and from what I can tell the timing would not have been when I thought I was ovulating anyways.

I suppose in some ways things are never in your control….

I never understood the other IF girls that got pregnant accidentally the second time and the discussion of survivor guilt. I think I do now. I am really sorry if this news affects you negatively. I know the feeling of frustration every pregnancy announcement can cause. I would never ever want to upset someone.

I have an ultrasound next Wednesday. It is still really early. Anything could happen.
It is scary and wonderful.
I am a bit overwhelmed, thinking of two children so close in age. There are pros and cons to it. My brother and I were 14 months apart. Two of my sisters are the same age one week a year. And sheesh! Lots of people have twins….

What does it mean for my job and my role in life and where I go? I am not really sure right now. It is too early to tell. I know that I can keep working full time and I could handle it. And I also know we can’t afford for me to not bring in some income.

A few weeks ago I was waxing poetically about pregnancy. I talked about how wonderful it was and how I would never want to avoid the experience. And while that is still true – it was after that conversation that I thought – Hmm…you know I missed someone last week…I woke up in the wee hours of the next morning and saw a dark pink line…darker than anything I saw so early with the Zerker. Them I pretty much said OMFG and have sort of been in a haze since then….

I was worried about seeing my doctor. I had a c-section and he specifically said I should wait a year to allow the uterus to heal. Yesterday he said in his mild mannered tone (he is so kind) that of course it is ok. He says though with this baby coming so early and the risk of Gestational Diabetes again that we can’t do a vbac.

So right now is a crazy time, sleep training a baby during first trimester exhaustion while still working fulltime. I am hungry all the time and my stomach feels like it will turn itself inside out when it is empty at 4am. I need to put some crackers by the bed. These are blessings….