Keep your fingers crossed! We have an ultrasound to check the growth and get a better measurement of the little wonder today.

Updated
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Measuring a week less than I thought – but that is ok with the pcos and not really being planned – I guess….
Infertility scars have hardened my heart – and I will always be leary until the blob is living breathing and crying in my arms….

but anyways – it was a very cute blob….decided to call it the blobbers…
measuring 8 wks 2 days – with a good heartbeat of 171…

gratuitous picture of womb with blobbers

• Every minute a woman dies in pregnancy and childbirth. Each year more than 536,000 women die due to complications developed during pregnancy and childbirth and 10 million more suffer debilitating illnesses and lifelong disabilities.

• Pregnancy and childbirth are the leading cause of death and disability for women in developing countries. While maternal mortality is a global problem, 99 percent of maternal deaths occur in developing countries where the lifetime risk of dying in pregnancy and childbirth is 1 in 76, compared to 1 in 8,000 in industrialized countries

• When a mother dies, her child’s survival is threatened. Infants of mothers who do not survive the delivery are more likely to die within two years. Every year, an additional two million children worldwide are maternal orphans.

• Maternal mortality has long-term implications on a child’s education, care and health. When a mother dies, enrollment in school for younger children is delayed and older children often leave school to support their family. Children without a mother are less likely to be immunized, and are more likely to suffer from malnutrition and stunted growth. The implications for girls tend to be even greater, leading to a continued cycle of poverty and poor health.

• Low-cost, low-tech interventions have an immediate and meaningful impact for mothers and newborns. Skilled care by nurses, doctors or midwives before, during and after childbirth – including family planning, skilled health worker attendance and emergency medical services – are cost-effective interventions that would prevent 80 percent of maternal deaths. A package of maternal health services costing less than $1.50 (U.S.) per person could make significant improvements in women’s health in the 75 countries where 95 percent of maternal and child deaths occur.

After fighting it for a few nights, the Zerker has slept through 5am the past two nights. Yay!
She just doesn’t seem to be a sleeper. At her age she should be taking two naps and sleeping a full nights sleep.
I am lucky to get one nap out of her these past few weeks and the daycare hardly seems to even try.
She seems to need me to lay with her for a bit to calm her down, and I am sure they don’t do that at daycare. But, last night Nadie just had her play hard until she was tired and he said she went right to sleep. I was at choir practice.
I was worried that her ears were bothering her after four days of being up for hours at a time in the wee small hours of the morning. She didn’t have any other symptoms – no fever – so I didn’t want to do the over zealous mommy bit at the doctor one more time (I think they are getting used to me being there.) If they were, they seem to have cleared up.
Yesterday she was in a fabulous mood….

Oh – but when I got home from choir practice, Nadie had a story to tell! I guess when he was jogging on the treadmill and the Zerker was hanging in the pack n play she had a major blowout. Like – all over the pack n play and everything that was around her! I tried to sound sincere …Oh dear! That sucks! But it turned into a fit of giggles….hehehehehe! Better you than me!

I’m so bad.

Hello ICLWers!
I know many of you are in the middle of the struggles that IF brings…If you are going through some really bad times or don’t want to be taken off guard about others who have made it out of the land of IF – then I would suggest not reading this post…I wish you all the best!

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This post is sort of hard, because I know some of the people who read this blog would give their left foot to be saying what I am about to say.

We spent over three years, surgery, medications, diets, pokes and prods to concieve the Zerker. It was a long and sometimes sad and stressful journey – sometimes feeling hopeless…always feeling that it was not really in our control.

And now with the Zerker being 8 months old and growing and changing and so freaking amazing…
I went to the doctor yesterday because by my calendar I am eight weeks pregnant.

We were not trying. We have a beautiful baby that keeps us very busy – we don’t have the energy to try!

I did stop BCP because they were making me crazy. But I wasn’t counting and from what I can tell the timing would not have been when I thought I was ovulating anyways.

I suppose in some ways things are never in your control….

I never understood the other IF girls that got pregnant accidentally the second time and the discussion of survivor guilt. I think I do now. I am really sorry if this news affects you negatively. I know the feeling of frustration every pregnancy announcement can cause. I would never ever want to upset someone.

I have an ultrasound next Wednesday. It is still really early. Anything could happen.
It is scary and wonderful.
I am a bit overwhelmed, thinking of two children so close in age. There are pros and cons to it. My brother and I were 14 months apart. Two of my sisters are the same age one week a year. And sheesh! Lots of people have twins….

What does it mean for my job and my role in life and where I go? I am not really sure right now. It is too early to tell. I know that I can keep working full time and I could handle it. And I also know we can’t afford for me to not bring in some income.

A few weeks ago I was waxing poetically about pregnancy. I talked about how wonderful it was and how I would never want to avoid the experience. And while that is still true – it was after that conversation that I thought – Hmm…you know I missed someone last week…I woke up in the wee hours of the next morning and saw a dark pink line…darker than anything I saw so early with the Zerker. Them I pretty much said OMFG and have sort of been in a haze since then….

I was worried about seeing my doctor. I had a c-section and he specifically said I should wait a year to allow the uterus to heal. Yesterday he said in his mild mannered tone (he is so kind) that of course it is ok. He says though with this baby coming so early and the risk of Gestational Diabetes again that we can’t do a vbac.

So right now is a crazy time, sleep training a baby during first trimester exhaustion while still working fulltime. I am hungry all the time and my stomach feels like it will turn itself inside out when it is empty at 4am. I need to put some crackers by the bed. These are blessings….

I was told I need to have a thicker skin.

I know I can be more sensitive than others at times. I don’t always see this as a character flaw.

I believe being sensitive allows me to have a greater awareness of the emotions that are around me at any time. Whether those emotions are concerning me or not, they have an affect on my outlook.

And, when negativity pervades into my emotional boundaries – it affects how I work – it affects what I do. And I will try my hardest to block the problem – to keep my chin up and move on. But, there is only so much I can do to block it.

If that negativity is directed at me personally – without cause – on a daily basis – I will NOT get over it. And, it is NOT my problem. Oh, how I react to it is, but it doesn’t seem quite fair to respond that I just need to get a thicker skin. If someone had reached out and chopped off my arm, or attempted to and succeeded with a few fingers every day, then the physical signs would be obvious, and blame would not be placed on me.

And the person that was doing these things knows this is the type of person I am. So blaming me in this case is sort of like saying a woman is asking to be assaulted because she has a beautiful red dress on. Someone knows I am susceptible to negativity – is having a shitty time in their life – and decides it is best to take it out on me – its alright – I’ll absorb it – and I was asking for it for being so sensitive in the first place! Plus everything is just perfect in my life – so I must deserve something negative too!

I refuse to harden myself. It is part of who I am. It enables me to do the things that I do, and do them well. It allows me to have real and true empathy. It strengthens my creativity.

I must keep the edges of my spirit in flux – to allow to pull in – and then allow to push out. I must find a way to take negativity into a void – but NOT build a barrier – that would be like cutting off the tips of my fingers – or my taste buds. The edge of my spirit is my sensory tool for understanding the world better.

When will humanity move forward to understand these are traits we need – and not try to turn us all into bots that don’t feel?

(ok maybe the emo-less robot concept is a little harsh – but dude – I am not gonna get a thicker skin….)

On the eve of her 8 month birthday the Zerker celebrated with clapping her hands all by herself for the first time. I have been working with her on it for a while now. She now thinks it is THE thing to do with your hands when you have nothing else going on.

I haven’t gotten a video of it yet (it was just last night), but this is how I feel….

I was able to get a quick video today…

This weekend the Zerker got to meet her first BFF, cousin D, at the Zoo!

You might remember that Delainey Marie was born in April at 26 Weeks 1 Day. Zerker didn’t actually get to touch her or kiss her or anything, but she did get to SEE her for the first time.

She has been home for a while, but I am sure anyone with preemie familiarity knows that she doesn’t get out much.

She is growing like a weed and doing really well. They hope she can be off the oxygen in the next few months, but whatever it takes!

Her brother got to chill with the babes – a girl on each arm!

And Zerker and Mommy had a good time feeling all the different textures of leaves, wood and rocks!

Go see what other people are bringing to class!

Last week was the big convention that my development project was being showcased at. It was the first time it was in the spotlight outside our company. I guess it went extremely well. (I did not attend, and I am so glad about that.) I am really satisfied that it went so well. I sometimes have a hard time seeing what is complete, when I know how much more is left to go. So this was a beginning of the next phase for the project. We need more resources. I loose the development resources I have. I am excited. It is so freaking cool to be doing this. The only way it could be better is if it was about something in my own interest, like arts and crafts, music, or something like that. I work in the corporate travel space, so it isn’t necessarily something I dream about – but hey – it is a very challenging space to be in – and there is always so much to learn.

We decided to join the Bloomingfoods Coop.

We don’t actually live in Bloomington, but I work in Bloomington. My office is across the street from one of their locations. I grab lunch there every other week or so, and I will stop at the market to pick up things to integrate into our meals.

I think this is a good thing….being a part of something that I believe in.

Oh and I joined the church choir.

And, Nadie and I worked at the Church Festival last weekend. We sold tickets during a very busy shift on Saturday night. It was extremely chaotic, but the Zerker was sooooooo good. We were all three in a tiny booth. She sat in her car seat on the counter while we counted out tickets and change. She only cried once. I was so proud of her. We are so blessed. She really is such a good kid.

This past weekend we went to the Zoo with my brother and his  family. You might recall that Delainey, his daughter, was born at 26 weeks. This was the first time we got to see her since she left the hospital. She is such a cutie patooty.

And after that we drafted our Fantasy Football teams for the coming season. I won the league last year, so I am hoping for a dynasty.

And today I got other news. I am not quite ready to share it, but I am sort of in a weird spot. It is hard to concentrate. I am curious to see how the next month or so goes.

I hope all is well for the rest of you!