For some reason I have had this song playing in my head for a few weeks….
It is really beautiful. It doesn’t really speak about my life these days…a few quips from it are my favorite, and they will always speak to me….
‘There I am in younger days, star gazing,
painting picture perfect maps
of how my life and love would be.
Not counting the unmarked paths of misperception,
my compass, faith in love’s perfection,
I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen….’
I have a very vivid memory that I relate to this line…It is me, walking in the mid – evening with my best friend on our beautiful college campus…It was the end of summer vacation before my junior year. I had spent a lonely hot summer living on a campus where there were perhaps 6 other students. My best friend had graduated in May and part of me was wondering what I would do with my time in the coming year. That is the me that I see in the ‘There I am in younger days’, but the picture perfect maps were never very clear during those years. I sometimes felt swallowed by the unknown…the possibility. I could be a nun (I was very serious, people – no joke)…I could get married (yeah right)…I could be boldly independent.
I never became a nun….as my current state shows (LOL). I never felt confident enough to take the first commited steps, and I suppose it came down to point that NOT making a decision IS making a decision.
And I did get married…once I finally understood the point…once I understood that marriage could be whatever my partner and I made it to be…and not the same old scary confinement that loomed over me during those days.
And these days I am thankful that there is not so much unknown in my life. The unknown of infertility and pregnancy is tough enough. If I was still wondering about major life directions, I would be more insecure. I try to remember everyday how blessed I am. I try not to let the unknown how little Z is and when we will go into labor and whether I will need surgery and whether she will be early. I am thankful for these worries. And there will always be whatifs in my life. I just don’t worry about the past whatifs too much and try not to worry about the future ones….
‘Tell all the friends
who think they’re so together
that these are ghosts and mirages
all these thoughts of fairer weather’
Not that my life is static – I look forward to the changes that will occur…in my family – with little Z, with career possibilities, what new places we will live in and visit, there are so many opportunities again – and I do make a choice every day to be married – it’s not perfect – but it is beautiful, and I am able to grasp my strength and not let unknowns cause insecurities…