Going down, down, down

Beta #2

I don’t really know how to feel.

Should I continue on like – oh i could still be pregnant!
Or should I throw in the towel?
With those types of numbers, that question probably sounds really stupid.

I am really really trying to focus on the positve.
We never made it this far before.
I have only been on the 2000mg dose of Met for less than a month.
It is pretty amazing that it actually got me this far.
I had actually already chucked this cycle to the curb last weekend, now I don’t know when it will end.
I really want it to go away. I sort of wish I never even took that test on Tuesday. Still, if it was Friday and I still hadn’t started, I would be testing today. And It would be slightly positive and all of this would have just been delayed – but still occurred.

You know what though…I have hope. Not about this ball of cells that is dying inside me, but about the potential of having a child.
I realize that DH and I CAN produce a fertilized egg. Now if I can just get my hormones corrected so that I can make a good little home for those eggs – that is key.

I say all these positive things,but I can’t deny that I still felt different this time. I felt like it might actually happen. I wasn’t very good at holding back the tears of disappointment.

Sometimes when I read my posts it seems like I come off as some perky person looking at the world through rose-colored glasses – a Pollyanna- per say. I am not a continually positive person. I guess I feel like if I post my sadness that I am dwelling in it – or that I will let it over take me and I will get off track. I have been overtaken by grief in the past – and although it was necessary to process and not deny those feelings, I find it much better to accept the feelings, find the other side and move on.

I didn’t post for 2 weeks prior to all of this. I felt like there wasn’t more to say yet, and that if I posted just to post that I would be moving further into the obsessive portions of my personality. Last week I sat outside with DH and I told him – sometimes this can become overwhelming. I needed a break. Not of trying – we will keep on – but of obsessing over it.

Because having PCOS and/or being infertile does not define who I am. It is a part who I am and how I interact with the world around me – but it is not nearly all of me.

I am a strong. I am loved. I am intelligent. I am beautiful. I am talented, etc. There are tons of things about me – and our struggles with having children is just a very small facet. It is very important to me – but I can’t make it ALL of me. If I never give birth to a child, or someone never calls me Mom, my life will still be worth something. I will still do other things.

I don’t think that is what will happen. I really do believe we will concieve and I will carry to term.

Posted in betas, chemical pregnancy
11 comments on “Going down, down, down
  1. Fertilize Me says:

    WIshing you lots of hugs!

  2. Amanda says:

    I am so sorry. I wish there was something that I could say to make you feel better. It’s hard to give up hope when it’s the first hope you’ve had.

    You have a wonderful outlook on life, and that is a good thing. To know that IF is not who you are, only a part of you, is a big acheivment. It definitely has a tendency to control our lives.


  3. Road Blocks and Rollercoasters says:

    Sending lots of HUGS your way.

  4. Kristen says:

    I’m so sorry. I wanted to stop over and say I am sending some good thoughts your way.

    You really do have such a wonderful outlook despite such a tough situation. I admire you.

    I hope peace finds you soon and that you be able to move forward and accomplish all that you want for yourself. XOXO

  5. Ally says:

    Words really can’t do justice to what you’re experiencing right now. Just know that so many of us support you! It’s wonderful that, in spite of the yucky, you can still keep your positive outlook. I appreciate and admire that about you and I agree 100%-you will get pregnant and carry to term.

  6. Tina says:

    I am so, so sorry. Many hugs and prayers are coming your way. If you need anything, please let me know.

  7. Mrs. B says:

    I wish I was there with you and we could cry together. It seems like all I do is cry theses days though and I am tired of it. I respect you so much for still having hope. My hope is so gone now. I just feel empty and yet I read your post and it so full full of enlightenment and perseverance and I think “God, I wish I could be more like that”. You are a very strong person and I have a feeling that you will come through this just fine and I see great happiness in your life right around the corner…

    You are in my thoughts…

  8. lori says:

    i’m so sorry you’re enduring this hell.

    i really like your list of positives. the fact that you were able to write that list is a huge testament to your strength and perseverance.

    my thoughts are with you,

  9. Searching says:

    I’m so sorry you have to go through this difficult time. Sending you positive thoughts.

  10. Deb says:

    Just wanted you to know that I hope you are doing okay…

  11. Eric and Kenna says:

    Hey there. Looks like we may have more in common than just being cousins!

    Send me an email when get a chance. I know you posted on my blog, but it didn’t actually give me your email address (only a no-response blogger address). We can talk more about this topic then.

    You saw last night how much G is mine and I didn’t obviously did not give birth to him. :) There are many paths to motherhood. Hang in there and big hug from me….